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7 ways Oklahoma will kill you

9:13 AM EDT on August 21, 2018

I'm not saying I'm psychic, but it's also important to note that I'm not saying I'm not psychic. I have some very keen abilities, and the more crystals I buy, the more, it seems, that I'm capable of telling the future. And let me tell you, it ain't looking good, Oklahoma.

We know we rank at the bottom of the list when it comes to health and a lot of quality of life sort of things. It's not a great state to be a woman, the weather is murderous, and we're constantly made aware of the revolving door of second chances for people like Ryan Tate who don't deserve them.

In short, Oklahoma is a toxic place. It's no wonder our health is in such poor shape. But can living here for a long time mean Oklahoma will kill you? All signs point to yes.

Here are the 7 ways Oklahoma will kill you.

1. Chicken Fried Steak

Admittedly, most of us don't eat this one often. It's a heavy meal, and it's really only delicious when you're truly craving it. But dang, when you do eat it, it's a holiday. But you know that feeling you get after you eat it when your pulse speeds up and you breathe really heavy because you're just too full? That's impending death. You've outrun it this far, but know that it's coming for you.


2. Religious Doctors

If you've never had a very Christian doctor, then this may seem weird. But let me give you a few scenarios. The only OBGYN on your insurance who is currently accepting new patients is an old religious dude. You go for your appointment, and at the end, ask for a birth control prescription. The doctor looks at you with a straight face and says the he doesn't know why an unmarried woman would need birth control, and then leaves the exam room. Now you've been denied access to a perfectly legal medication (that should honestly be OTC), and I guess having a child at a time when you're not ready is the best way for the establishment to keep you in your place as a woman.

Or, you're a teen and you visit your GP. You know you're depressed and stuff isn't okay. So you tell your doctor things that you can't explain to your parents. But the doctor thinks you just want drugs, so he tells you that your feelings are between you and God, and doesn't offer any other help than recommending a church.

Sure, neither of these situations are directly killing you. But doctors who don't help patients certainly aren't keeping Oklahomans alive.


3. Humidity and the Smells It Creates

It's been really humid lately, and I've noticed that when I take out the trash, the scent in the dumpster is beyond the normal "hot garbage in August" stank. We've really rounded a corner. It's like the odor is sentient, and it's thick and hangs in the air a lot more with the humidity. And if it keeps up this way, I'm pretty sure we're all gonna die on trash day.


4. Collapsing Chihuly Sculptures

The Chihuly sculptures at OKCMOA are beautiful and I think ti's great that we have access to them. But damn. Do you ever imagine that you're walking near them and a glass shard falls off and then stabs you in the heart? Can this happen? Did I watch Final Destination too much in my formative years?


5. Hefner Parkway

I've written a lot about the roads in Oklahoma are going to kill us, and how Oklahoma drivers are the worst. But I think I only feel really inspired to write those posts when I've been driving on the Hefner Parkway. I'm not sure what it is about that section of highway that is so particularly harrowing, but it's a deadly place. And if I don't die there, I'll probably die on Highway 9 in Norman.


6. Stalled Silver Bullet Rollercoaster 

Sure, you think it's fun to go to Frontier City. And yeah. You're going to ride all your old favorites except the Nightmare Mining Co. because it's gone forever and everything is ruined. But you'll hit up the ferris wheel, the tin lizzies, and the Silver Bullet. Only, ooops! The Silver Bullet gets stuck on the tracks as it is oft wont to do, and well, when it's time to climb down that ridiculously terrifying staircase, you don't make it.


7. Storm Watching

Who doesn't wait for tornadoes to roll in while sitting on their front porch with a beer in their hand? We know it's a terrible idea, and that we should do as the TV meteorologists say and take cover. But damn. Even if you take cover, you could still die. So, when given the choice between dying in a hole in the ground or on the porch while you curse at God, you go with the latter. And who wouldn't?


Marisa has lived in Oklahoma her whole life and expects to die at the hands of the state any minute now. Follow her on Twitter.

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