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What would an Oklahoman in the White House look like?

6:15 AM EDT on July 23, 2018

Last week, the Tulsa World reported that an Oklahoma native may soon be making their way to the White House. Elizabeth Warren may be a representative from Massachusetts, but she is actually an Oklahoman by birth, poor gal. This got me to thinkin’. Whether or not Warren chooses to embrace her Okie heritage or becomes president, it is possible that we may one day have an Oklahoman in the highest office in the land. So here are 8 things that we would see in an Oklahoman presidency!

More White Dudes

Rarely have presidents been elected in the United States without any kind of political experience. So if you’re going to be electing an Oklahoman to office, chances are they will have already served in the state legislature. Like the general US population, Oklahomans are really great at electing straight, white men to office. So there probably won’t be much change if an Oklahoman is elected.


Teapot Dome Scandal 2.0

The Teapot Dome Scandal involved President Warren Harding, 1920s Oil Overlord Harry Sinclair of Sinclair Oil, and a bunch of other asshat lawmakers who got too big for their britches. Basically, Harding and some of his cabinet members accepted bribes from Sinclair for low cost leases on oil reserves. Pre-Water Gate, it was the biggest scandal the nation had ever seen. But we know any Oklahoma lawmaker will take that as a challenge, if elected president. Plus many of them already have 2-12 years of experience suckling at the teat of the oil overlords, so by these standards any one of them could be considered president material!


Political Gaffes

With education being funded by the pennies teachers find in the Walmart parking lot, the average Oklahoman’s knowledge of current affairs leaves much to be desired. Good luck having an Oklahoma president with the ability to identify the Prime Minister of Bosnia and Herzegovina, let alone identify Bosnia and Herzegovina as a non-fictional country.


A Presidential Pet

Jimmy Carter had a Siamese cat maned Misty Malarky. Barack Obama had a cute little dog named Bo. Andrew Jackson had Poll, a parrot that was ejected from Jackson’s funeral due to cussing too loudly. Many presidential pets have made the history books alongside their owners, so why would an Oklahoma presidency be any different? I, for one, look forward to the first descented skunk to live in the White House.


New White House Décor

Though presidents don’t have much say as to where they will live as they serve their term, there is a lot of freedom of expression when it comes to White House décor. In an Oklahoman presidency, White House tour guides will likely lead guests through hallways of cowhide rugs, oil paintings of waving wheat, and, depending on which county the president hails from, tin foil on the windows.


Better State Dinners

State Dinners at the White House are lavish affairs complete with menus of rich food laid out for world leaders to enjoy as they rub elbows and talk the talk. An Oklahoman president would definitely bring new tastes to the event. Soon we may be seeing Queen Elizabeth II or Chancellor Angela Merkel destroying some ribs and corn on the cob while washing it down with 3-point Bud Light served in fancy crystal glasses.


More Traditional Values

The common denominator for any Oklahoma politician is a campaign ran on the premise of “traditional values.” Now values are subjective, but if you’re electing an Oklahoma politician as president you can expect they’re going to value sex crimes, bribery, and drinking.


Presidential Library

Since Hoover former presidents have had libraries built in their honor, usually in their home state. But being how little Oklahoma politicians value education, an Oklahoma president is more likely to oversee a presidential Chili’s than a library.


Hayley will gladly be your first Oklahoma president. Follow her on twitter @squirrellygeek

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