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How to Celebrate the 4th of July without Fireworks

1:41 PM EDT on July 2, 2018

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Happy Monday, you beautiful people! Hopefully you’ve already gone to the grocery store for the week. If not, make sure you go before midnight tonight. Because everyone knows if you wait until July 3rd to stock up on MSG flavored corn chips and mayonnaise, your friendly local grocery store will look more like a depleted Soviet-era commodities line than a Walmart. It is no secret that the 4th of July is one of Oklahoma’s favorite holidays, but since we can’t blow stuff up due to the metro fireworks ban, I’ve come up with a list of other ways you can celebrate America’s b-day! You’re welcome, Oklahoma.

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Exercise Your American Political Rights

The 4th of July should serve as a reminder of the rights we hold as Americans. And what a better day of the year to exercise them! Use the freedom of speech guaranteed by the 1st Amendment to retweet your favorite TLO post. Celebrate the 21st amendment by loading up on booze. Rely on the 5th amendment as you wait for your lawyer after you are arrested for setting off fireworks illegally behind the dumpster by the Twin Peaks on 3rd street. Damn, it feels good to be an American.

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Do Something Patriotic

Celebrate the holiday and commemorate your identity by engaging in something uniquely American. Lead your cookout guests in a round of singing “American the Beautiful.” Make a red, white, and blue Pinterest wreath with only the finest Hobby Lobby crafting materials. Rename your firstborn child after a gun. Come on, that one’s not too far-fetched. Everyone knows at least one guy from high school who named their kid “Remington.”

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Respect the Flag

The American flag is a symbol for the freedoms that many others around the world do not share. That is why it is important to honor it. So make sure you respect the Old Glory by wearing Walmart clothing that looks like you’ve destroyed the flag with a bowie-knife and stitched it back together. Nothing says “let freedom ring” like an $8.99 string bikini.

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Go to the Lake

I’ve never understood why Oklahomans love to spend July 4th on the lake with 30 of their closest friends on a pontoon boat. Then again, I don’t have a pontoon boat. Or friends.

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Have a Drink

For us members of the general, non-college student population, Independence Day is usually our yearly excuse to day-drink on a weekday. But for good reason! In 1778 General George Washington reportedly celebrated the second anniversary of Independence Day by doubling his troops’ daily supply of rum. Use this historic example to support your decision to finish off that 12-pack of PBR after you promised your wife you’d only have a couple.

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Attend a Cookout

Traditionally, Americans choose to spend their July 4th holiday by gathering with friends and family members to cook out on the grill, watch fireworks, and acquire 2nd degree sunburns. Oklahomans are no different! Just whip up a mayonnaise or ranch-based side dish, tuck your 2004 Old Glory Old Navy t-shirt into your cargo shorts, and you will be welcomed.

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Watch the Fireworks

Like my older cousin back in 1997 after he caught my aunt’s deck on fire, this year Oklahoma City residents are not trusted to light their own firecrackers. Instead, we are all just gonna sit back and watch as the “responsible” adults with “permits” and “no active warrants for arson” set them off.

Drink responsibly, leave fireworks to professionals, and tuck  your navy 2004 Old Navy Independence Day t-shirt into your britches. Then follow Hayley on twitter @squirrellygeek

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