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5 Reasons We Should Close Oklahoma for the Summer

6:20 AM EDT on May 29, 2018

Memorial Day weekend has passed, and that means all the good sales on appliances are over and the summer time is here. And while there was a time in all our lives when the summer was the best time of the year, that time has passed. Even if you’re a sun worshipper who spends weekends at the lake, you have to admit that summer time as an adult has lost most of it’s magic.

Maybe it’s that we don’t get three months off to roam the neighborhood in cut offs on our Huffy bikes like we used to. Or maybe it’s because adults have a center of gravity that’s way too high to use a Slip ‘N Slide. Or, maybe it’s just because Oklahoma summers are a little too brutal.

Whatever it is, here are 5 reasons we should close Oklahoma for the summer.

1. It’s too hot to wear business casual clothes.

I’m not sure what genius (read: asshole) decided the fabrics that business casual clothes should be made out of, but they were dead wrong when it came to summer clothes. Sure, my office is nice and air-conditioned, but one could literally die on the walk from the parking lot to the door. And granted, I’m not super into dress codes anyway, so my business casual is sketchy at best. But I think we can all agree that the only clothes any Oklahoman should wear during the hottest time of the year would best be categorized as “Old Paris Flea Market chic” or “semi barefoot in Walmart formal.”

If you’re a local business owner or employer, and would like for me to come give a talk at your company about these dress codes and how you can better serve your employees by adopting them, send TLO an email.

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2. People literally die from the heat every year.

I know most TLO readers live at a relative level of comfort. I mean, you’re probably reading this very post on an affordable, pocket-sized computer that’s basically an innocuous rectangle. So it stands to reason that you also have access to air conditioning, shade, water, etc. But a lot of Oklahomans don’t. So it always seems so weird to me that we go on like it’s business as usual during the summer when people are literally dying because of what season it is.

I have no idea how to solve this problem. But I know that local groups hold donations for box fans, and some even pass out water and sunscreen to the homeless. If you know of any ways that the privileged few of us who are reading this on our futuristic rectangles can help, let us know in the comments. I complain a lot about the boob sweat and general discomfort that summer can bring, but that’s nothing compared to what others experience.

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3. Some people actually complain that you have the AC on too high.

So. I’ve written about this before, and I can’t believe it’s still an argument we’re having here. If you are not paying for the AC bill, like, say, at your office, then you are morally obligated to turn it down as low as you possibly can. Let your employers who haven’t adopted the Old Paris Flea Market chic dress code foot the bill. And you should let the people who whine about the office being too cold continue to suffer. Here’s why: When it’s hot, you can only take off so many layers of clothing before you are going against company dress code. When it’s cold, you can keep putting on layers of clothing and still be in the clear.

Don’t like how cold the office is? WELL I’M SORRY, BRENDA, BUT I CAN’T VERY WELL FILE THESE TPS REPORTS WHILE I’M NAKED. THROW ON ANOTHER CARDIGAN AND LEAVE US ALONE TO TALK SHIT ABOUT YOU BEHIND YOUR BACK IN PEACE.

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4. All the summer activities in the state are literally nightmares.

If you’ve lived in Oklahoma for at least 20 minutes, then you know that there’s a litany of activities that we do during the summer. They don’t really change from year to year, and we’ve all been doing them for so many years that we can’t really remember if we like them or not. So, when you really start to think about what Oklahomans are doing during the summer, you realize that maybe we’re not actually sentient entities, so much as pawns in an elaborate horror movie.

Some of these terrible horror activities include sticking your hand into a mud hole so some prehistoric mustachioed fish can bite it. Or riding a roller coaster that gets stuck LIKE LITERALLY EVERY TIME IT GOES. Or getting a used band-aid caught in your mouth in a pool of water so full of humanity. Or inching yourself closer to diabetes with a daily snow cone. Honestly, I could go on forever. But part of the nightmare is that we aren’t aware of what we’re doing, so I’ll let you stare at the shadows on the cave wall a bit longer.

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5. Our bodies have been trying to warn us about summer all along.

I think one of the most horrifying feelings is the moment when you realize all the warning signs have always been there, but you’ve been too stupid to notice. Whether it’s all the lights on your car’s dashboard letting you know that the engine is about to self-destruct but you keep going because “it’ll be fine” or your significant other continually hinting about leaving you until they finally do, that moment when you realize you could’ve fixed something a million years ago is the worst.

That’s why I worry this post comes too late. Our bodies have told us for years that summer is the worst. Our allergies have been going haywire. We’ve sweat ourselves into dehydration too many times to count. We’ve gotten more sunburns than should be legal. (And some of us have even had cancerous skin chunks removed.) But as in most cases, we’ve realized it all too late. This post should’ve happened years ago. But I’m only bringing this to your attention now. So it only stands to reason that it’s too late to do anything, because like I said at the beginning of this post…Memorial Day has passed and summer is here.

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Marisa will straight up fight anyone who puts the office AC above 65 degrees. Follow her on Twitter.

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