10 Things I Learned at a Metro Gun Range

1:13 PM EST on February 5, 2018

Good news, everyone! My grandfather is finally proud of me! Last week I completed a women’s only concealed carry course at a metro gun range, which means I paid $70 to eat stale French fries, watch a PowerPoint presentation filled with 1960s gunslinger melodrama reruns, and channel my inner Rambo as I took 50 rounds out on a paper silhouette. All for a certificate that tells the government that I can probably be trusted with a gun. Even though the class was fun, I also learned a whole hell of a lot. So I thought I should pass this information on to my dear TLO readers. So here are 10 things I learned at a metro gun range!

Gun instructors share many traits with serial killers

Like the majority of serial killers, our instructor was a white male. Also like John Wayne Gacy, Paul John Knowles, and many other serial killers, he had a gun and two first names. But we all kind of trusted that the instructor was one of the good guys.

You must surrender your Democrat voting card to have a gun

When signing up for the concealed carry course, all attendees were required to surrender their voter registration cards if they were registered as Democrats. This is because it goes against the laws of nature to be a liberal gun owner. Thankfully, I am registered as an independent so I was exempt.

Bad people carry guns

Bad people with guns are dangerous. The only way to protect yourself against the bad people who have guns is to become a person with a gun. Oh no, we all know you're not one of the bad ones. As long as you take a concealed carry course and have the paper completion certificate with your misspelled name to prove it.

We have the right to own guns

I’ll let the people in the comments section duke this one out. I know it’s coming.

Gun ranges are progressive

For a place that specializes in equipment designed to take the life of animals, the gun range was actually progressive when it came to dietary restrictions. As a vegan, I was able to enjoy the hot lunch they provided. Granted, my portion solely consisted of French fries, but it was honestly more than I expected.

Gangbangers are rampant

According to our instructor, gangbangers are everywhere. By how much the instructor warned us against them, there are probably four to eight plotting to kill you at any given moment. So not only are they rampant, they also are dangerous. And according to our instructor, the only way to protect against this ominous threat is by concealing a weapon.

However, despite his warnings, the instructor never actually defined what a gangbanger is. Since we have already determined their dangerousness earlier in the list, I’m going to assume that these feared gangbangers are white males.

Lesbians can only carry revolvers

As I said, this was a women’s only course, so we all had a lot to learn. According to our instructor, if women do not have a husband or a boyfriend to clean their semiautomatic pistols, they should just get a revolver instead because it is simpler to maintain. Thank God I have a husband. How would I ever clean my Ruger LCP 2 without his dick?

Guns aren’t inherently dangerous

Guns aren’t dangerous; people are. As our instructor said, a gun is only a machine, just like a lawnmower, that vibrator you picked up at Patricia’s last week, or a KitchenAid blender. Since it is a machine, it is only when the operator is dangerous that the gun is dangerous. Which is why everyone locks their blenders up in a safe when not in use.

But guns are inherently dangerous

Even though guns are not dangerous, you should never leave one loaded. Instead, you should lock your weapon separately from your ammo. The gangbangers will understand having to wait to attack when you have to ask your wife to remind you of your wedding anniversary so you can put the right combination in your gun safe.