Unless you’ve been living in a food dehydrator for the past decade, beef jerky and dried meats of that ilk have become prohibitively expensive, with even the smallest cuts of the protein-rich treat running the peppered steak-craving masses upwards of ten bucks a resealable bag.
Might as well pick up a box of Ding Dongs instead, jerk off.
Dubbed the “Meat Bandit” by the po-po – a term that, surprisingly, wasn't used by KFOR – surps this modern-day Gangster of Liquid Smoke (watch ya step, kid), possessed by an insatiable caveman-like hunger but concordantly tired of the high cost of stepping into one Slim Jim too many, is currently on the run from the Oklahoma City Police Department for stealing $400 worth of steak nuggets, Tijuana mamas, beef ‘n cheddar sticks and Teriyaki turkey slices from the city’s most inattentive convenience store:
While the immediate question we should be asking is how did the store clerks not notice a man with $400 worth of meat product stuffed down the front of his jeans leaving the store, but, regardless, Crimestoppers is passing the buck and asking for your help in apprehending this modern-day folk hero, probably even offering a reward that would be better suited to catching, you know, rapists and murderers.
Police say the man can be identified by his oily beard and constant trail of room-clearing farts, both of which currently smell like the pepperoni kill-floor of a Hickory Farms. If you have any info on the Meat Bandit and his whereabouts, just keep it to yourself and let the dude live his best rebel life, inspiring generations of jerky boys and girls to come. Fair is fair!