With Thanksgiving coming up in a few days, we are all reminded of what we should be thankful for. I, for one, am thankful for my cats, 2-day shipping, and lawmakers that make my work at The Lost Ogle hella easy by all the stupid shit they do. Some of us are even thankful for our families and the time that will be spent with them over the holiday season. But a lot of us aren't.
So if you're not looking forward to going home for the holidays, here's a list of people who would be worse family members than whomever you're going home to.
David Payne "The Step Dad"
David Payne, otherwise known as Not Gary England, is known for narrating tornadoes like a redneck Morgan Freeman. You’d better be glad David Payne isn’t your step-dad. He knows he doesn't belong at the head of the table. We all know exactly how much you miss the guy he replaced and that he tries too hard to fill his shoes.
Dan Kirby "The Creepy Uncle"
Imagine having a relative like Dan Kirby, the former lawmaker who sexually harasses assistants for sport. Kirby would likely be the creepy uncle your mom never let you have an unsupervised conversation with. On the bright side, he would probably make great breast jokes about the turkey.
Nine-Banded Armadillos "Best/Worst Mother"
A nine-banded armadillo would make the absolute worst mom. Not only do they pass on some ugly ass genetics, but they also stop giving a crap about their young by the time they reach 8 months old. Then again, by how long it took my mom to learn to knock before opening my bedroom door in high school, I wish she would have taken notes from the armadillo moms.
Craig Groeschel "The Lame Brother"
Having Craig Groeschel, Life Church pastor and part-time stock photo model, as a brother would be the absolute worst. For one, he would be in charge of the prayers and not because grandma guilt tripped him into the gig, but because he actually wanted it. That being said, the Thanksgiving prayer would be long as hell, seeming more like a church sermon than the 27 seconds of deuces you threw up to the good Lord last year when it was your turn to pray. Second of all, he probably gets to sit at the grownups’ table, even though you’re 3 years older.
LOL JK JK JK. Finding out Reba McEntire is your godmother would be something they would make a Disney movie about. I'd totally be thankful for that.
Jack Swagger "Disappointing Son"
Be thankful you don’t have Jack Swagger as a son. So what if your 24-year-old has dropped more classes than he’s actually attended, brings 5/6ths of a pack of beer as his contribution to the Thanksgiving dinner, and smells vaguely of skunk weed. At least his career path isn’t meandering along to pro-wrestling.
Donald Gene Gaither "Disturbed Grandfather"
Donald Gene Gaither would be an awful grandfather. It’s awkward enough when you find your grandpa’s stash of dirty pictures while searching his bedside table for Advil when you've heard enough Thanksgiving politics talk. Just imagine him rolling in with them taped to his body, like Gaither when he allegedly challenged his neighbor to the knife fight. Then again, maybe your family will be distracted enough by grandpa’s getup that they’ll forget to ask you questions about the ex you brought to Thanksgiving last year.
Dennis Lee "Sketchy Family Friend"
Every family Thanksgiving has that one guest who is in no way related to the family. You don’t really know much about him, let alone who started inviting him, but you are all convinced he has been shadily stashing dinner rolls in his hoodie pocket every Thanksgiving since 2010. Maybe it’s because of the sketchy theft indictment or the fact that he probably isn’t part of the Richardson family after all, but Dennis Lee is totally this guy, just thankfully not at your house.
Alison Richardson "Annoying Cousin"
Be glad Alison Richardson, aka Barbie aka the most disappointing thing Westmoore has produced since Ralph Shortey, is not your cousin. Half of the Thanksgiving dinner conversation would be dominated by her bragging about the 42 new likes she got on her YouTube channel this week. The other half would be her asking you to buy her cigarettes because her supposed royalty check hasn’t come in.
Hayley "Terrible Aunt"
I forget which niece belongs to whom, drink cheap wine, and make sure the liberal agenda is represented at my grandma’s dinner table. I am the worst person to have as an aunt.
Hayley is probably bringing a 6 pack of Anthem's Golden One and family package of Oreos to Thanksgiving. Follow her on twitter @squirrellygeek.