10 People You Meet in Oklahoma Hell
10:40 AM EDT on July 24, 2017
The recent promotion of Abigail Ogle to the 6pm newscast on KOCO 5 is only one more sign that the prophecy of her world domination is being fulfilled and the world as we know it will soon end, leaving us all local TV news viewers. That being said, it is time to start preparing ourselves for the place we will spend all of an eternity. Here is a list of 10 people who will be joining me in Oklahoma Hell.
1. Ralph Shortey
Former State Senator Ralph Shortey built his political ideology on the concept of “family values.” No, not the 1998 Family Values Tour featuring artists such as Korn, Rob Zombie, Ice Cube, and Limp Bizkit. Now those are the kind of “family values” you should take inspiration from. Instead, Shortey’s voting record was based on the kind of “family values” that believe the LGBT community is inherently evil and going to hell. His voting records allow the LGBT community to be legally discriminated against by business owners and keep them from being able to comfortably taking a piss. Earlier this year, Shortey was caught soliciting sex from a young male prostitute. Hmm. It seems like by his own “family values” logic, he will be going to Oklahoma Hell.
2. David and Steve Green
The Hobby Lobby owners were recently in hot water for illegally purchasing plundered antiques for their Museum of the Bible. Now, interpreting religious text is like interpreting the tone of voice in your wife’s text message you receive when you are already out an hour later than you promised. Just like “it’s fine” can have multiple meanings, so can a book that was written a couple thousand years ago be used to validate many opinions and schools of thought. However, it is still a bit of a stretch to use Christianity to justify funding terrorist organizations by purchasing illegal artifacts, even if it is for a bible museum. 1 John 3:22 states if you do what pleases God, you’ll get anything you ask for. Apparently the Greens aren’t pleasing God, because they had to surrender their artifacts. So we will probably be meeting them in Oklahoma Hell.
3. My Cousin
Grandma says my cousin hasn’t gone to confession in over 7 years, so he is going to hell. I know better than to argue with her. I also know better than to tell her how long it has been since I’ve gone to confession.
4. The Bartender at Tramps with the Beautiful Hair
Tramps is a bar on 39th Street and this bartender is almost always there. Let me clarify something here. This guy is not inherently bad. In fact, this guy is such a good person that he could tithe his entire income to the Church of Satan and God would still be like, nah fam, we cool. And why is he such a good person? Because he charges $4.50 for six ounces of rum and a shot of Dr. Pepper. And why will you see him in Oklahoma Hell? Because he charges $4.50 for six ounces of rum and a shot of Dr. Pepper. His generosity with bottom shelf booze has fueled enough debauchery to make an encyclopedia of the Oklahoma County Jailbirds Magazine. In fact, I am sure his drinks have been the prelude to at least 87% of the sins committed by people in Oklahoma Hell.
5. Kevin Durant
Now, I am not that much of a sports ball fan. One time I tried to become a Thunder fan by purchasing a “Fear the Beard” James Harden shirt only for him to leave the Thunder the next week. I am so bad at being a fan that my support has a negative impact on team morale. So I really don’t have the authority to banish Durant to Oklahoma Hell. However, enough Oklahomans wished him there after he left OKC that God probably feels like he has to send him there to keep up appearances.
6. Black Mass Dude
He'll be the one Oklahoman in hell that actually wants to be there.
7. That One Edmond Mom
You know who you are. Your makeup said RuPaul Country Club and your active wear said you were on a first name-basis with the assistant manager of Lululemon. You are a part-time blonde and a full-time Young Living Essential Oils consultant, as stated on the back of your BMW. You are probably a decent person, with two kids, two dogs, and two ex-husbands. But you took my parking spot at Target. Now, I said a lot of bad words in the parking lot that day, so I will probably be seated next to you in Oklahoma Hell.
8. June Bugs
These have to be the most annoying bugs in the world. You can’t go out on the back porch after dark for more than two minutes before they are having a pool party in your solo cup. I am also a little bitter. It takes June bugs up to four years to mature into adulthood when it took me seven years of college to do the same thing. But once they reach maturity, it seems like their only purpose in life is to become a crusty carcass to sweep off your doormat before your cat gifts it to you. Until they stop making it their goal in life to greet me face first when I walk out of my garage, I am wishing these guys straight to Oklahoma Hell.
9. Barry Switzer
When Barry Switzer was pressured to resign from the Dallas Cowboys in 1997, he was reluctant to leave the sport he loved. So he sold his soul to the devil in order to stay in the locker room. Unfortunately, Switzer didn’t read the fine print. So instead of giving half-time speeches in the locker room for all eternity, the devil gave him Switzer’s Locker Room. Though he sold the storage facilities for a rumored $40 million last year, it is harder to get out of a contract with the devil than with Dallas Cowboys’ owner Jerry Jones. So he is probably still going to Oklahoma Hell.
1o. The Lost Ogle Contributors
If I have to give you reasons for the Lost Ogle contributors going to hell, you haven’t read enough of The Lost Ogle.
I still don’t update this like I should. Direct all questions, concerns, and whatever emoji-filled millennial stuff you feel the need to share to @squirrellygeek on twitter.