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Alligator Alley critters speak out on OKC’s current syphilis outbreak…

6:08 AM EDT on March 28, 2017

While big name government officials were getting busted for having underage boys in their motel rooms, everyday ham-and-eggers like you and me have been dealing with a local sex scandal of our own: how to explain to our loved ones where these blisters and sores around our lips and genitals, not in that order, usually, came from.

Yes, this past weekend, the Oklahoma City Health Department and the Oklahoma State Department of Health confirmed there are more than 75 cases of syphilis in Oklahoma County, all “connected to a social network between the ages of 14 and 47 years old,”  according to a rewritten press release at Outbreak News Today, which is a real website.

As the news hit the Metro, I stopped by one of my favorite local haunts, Alligator Alley, 4636 NW 10th Street—the premiere reptile pet store in Oklahoma City—and asked a few of their creepy crawly critters their thoughts on this breaking news. Here’s what they had to say…

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“This is what happens when you take prayer out of schools. And whole live chickens to eat. Thanks, Libtards!” – Roger Millson, alligator

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“What a tangled web we weave when we deceive our sexual partners…there are plenty of clinics all over Oklahoma City that offer free or low-cost testing for STDs. Don’t chance it!” – Erin R. Andre, spider

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“Back in the 70s man, all you had to worry about was gettin’ some chick pregnant…now we got the drips, the claps, AIDS…thank God I’ve been married for 30 years now, because I’d hate to be back on the dating scene again!” – Kyle Oates, lizard

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“Many people don’t know this, but Bran Stoker, the gentleman who wrote Dracula, he died of ssssssssssssyphilissssssssssssss…sorry about that. I’m a snake.” –  Roberta O’Grady, snake

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“I ain’t worried ‘bout none of that son, ‘cause I always make sure I got a jimmy-hat. You wanna check out my mix-tape…five dollars!” – Ronald “Snakewon, Da MiCe Demolisher” Haroldson, Jr., snake

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“I am proof-positive that you can have syphilis and, with proper care and treatment, can lead a very full and fulfilling life.” – Rodrigo J. Valez, turtle

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“It’s really not something I have to worry about…I’ve been on a few dates but they never seem to work out. So here I am, 46 and still living with my mom. Some days I feel the loneliness more than others, but I have a rich circle of friends at church and catching flies takes up a lot of my time. Still, sometimes, I wonder…what if?” – Gilbert Cruickshank, lizard

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“It’s them damn San Francisco values, I tell you what…they come over here and they try to pollute the pure blood of us whites. I heard on Infowars that Obamacare actually pays people extra welfare just for gettin’ syphilis. You just try it, Obama!” – Jim “Whitey” Dewey, snake

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“This is a very moving moment in Oklahoma City’s sexual history!” – Walter Griggsby, lizard

“Yeah…I wish they'd move it to Tulsa!” – Standorf Vaughn, lizard

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To be tested and treated, residents can visit one of Oklahoma City-County Health Department's three clinics, which are open and fully equipped for screening, from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. Monday through Thursday and 8 a.m. to noon on Friday. Follow Louis on Twitter at @LouisFowler.

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