It's the most wonderful time of the year: when we as a state get to collectively panic every single time there is the threat of precipitation.
Last weekend, we had our first snow of the winter, and while uneventful, it still brought out the worst instincts of many drivers. Even if it's the lightest of flurries drifting from the sky, everyone seems to forget everything they learned in Driver's Ed and thinks they're hauling ass on Fury Road instead of I-44.
There's a possibility we'll be seeing snow on Christmas weekend, and there's usually at least one nasty ice storm in January or February. To keep everyone safe and better prepared, we've compiled this list of advice (that you 100% should not actually follow) for driving on the snowy and icy roads of winter in Oklahoma:
1. Speed limits are for losers
Posted speed limit signs should always be negligible. They only put them up to keep the unskilled masses in check. But you are a skilled motorist who needs no such limitations put on your driving prowess. You've can comment on Facebook or hunt for Pokemon while you're steering a two ton hunk of steel without drifting lanes too much, so why worry about moving at a safe velocity?
Hot tip: take whatever the speed limit is for your stretch of road and add 50%- that is what you should follow when the road conditions are dangerous. Or, if you really want to make friends, travel no more than 5 mph on a two-lane road.
2. Keep your headlights off
Stealth is a great advantage when driving. When you already have the cover of thick clouds and blasts of snow, consider turning all of your lights off so no one else can see you. Not only will you avoid distracting other motorists, it is more difficult to see obstructions in the road. If you get stuck or become involved in a preventable accident, you can blame someone else!
3. Drive slowly up steep hills
It can be a white-knuckle experience traversing very steep hills when the roads are slippery. That's why it is best to crawl slowly and take your time. Sure, you might not have enough speed to reach the top, but if you slide down to the bottom, just try again.
It is also advisable to pump the breaks when coasting down the other side. There's a good chance you lose control and slide around like you hit a banana peel in Mario Kart, but it's fun! Life is a highway, and you should do donuts on that motherfucker all night long.
4. Stop lights are for everyone else
Sometimes, the light might be turning yellow and you don't have time to safely stop at the intersection. Or maybe the light just turned red, but you need to coast through so you don't lose control and spin out.
These are perfectly reasonable situations to run a red light when the roads are slick. But we've already ascertained that you are a Very Good Driver, and Very Good Drivers can just say "Talk to the hand!" to every red light, because those are made for the same schmucks that pay attention to the speed limit.
When it is snowing or icing, never brake for anybody. An old lady could be crossing the road with grocery bags, desperate to get back home to fire the stove up so her cats don't freeze to death. You'll see her in hell, cuz there's no reason to ever stop.
5. Don't clean the snow off of your car
Nobody enjoys the pain in the ass that is scraping ice off your car. Just clean out the bare minimum so you have a tiny hole on the driver's side windshield. Don't bother with the side mirrors or back window. You don't need to see anything other than a small portion of the road in front of you. Other drivers can maneuver around you.
Also, be sure and leave all the snow on the roof of your vehicle. That way when you're cruising down the interstate at 90 mph (remember the speed limit rule!), it will slide off and pelt the driver behind you, hopefully blocking their windshield. To reiterate, stealth is an advantage, and the less other people can see, the better.
6. Pretend like you're the only car on the road
When you've learned the ways of this guide, you can truly master this rule. Any time that road conditions become the slightest bit hectic, throw your concern for the rest of society out the window. All that matters is you. Drive as fast as you want, ignore the poor sap stuck in that snow drift, blaze your own trail. When in doubt, panic.
What are your tips and tricks for driving in winter conditions? Let us know in the comments!