Fantastic Beasts of the OKC and where to find them
9:33 AM EST on November 21, 2016
The fantasy genre usually bores me to tears. All of the 'Lord of the Rings' movies are about two hours too long, and eventually cast a Level 7 Sleep Spell on me by the third battle sequence. I've never been able to stay awake during a 'Harry Potter' movie, even though I've tried to watch the first one several times and saw one of the sequels in the theater, snoozing out after an hour.
When my girlfriend, who is a huge Potter fan, wanted to see the newest installment in that universe, 'Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them,' I was a little hesitant, but went along anyways. Turns out, I actually enjoyed it for a change. The cast was likeable, the production design was stunning, and all the magic animals were fun to watch.
It got me thinking about how Oklahoma City actually has its own menagerie of weird critters roaming around. I've compiled a list of some of the most fascinating, in case you want to hunt them down on your own...
What it is: These beasts make their living extracting resources in such an irresponsible manner that it causes earthquakes. During the day, they gather in tall buildings and sprawling campuses, and by night have popped their collars and consume strange and foul-tasting concoctions that they call 'Michelob Ultra,' or 'Jager-Bombs.' They are mostly harmless, but tend to engage in activities like mansplaining.
Where to find it: Metro area golf courses, Midtown, or any bar on a Saturday night
What it is: Although they practice the peaceful art of yoga, these creatures have a vicious side, and should be approached with caution. They spend the mornings caring for their young, then engaging in intense work-out sessions to prepare their bodies for fighting. If their name is misspelled on their Starbucks cup, or the juicetender at Organic Squeeze makes the wrong smoothie, the Momaste is known to react with extreme rage.
Where to find it: Lululemon, Whole Foods
What it is: This furry quadruped is fairly common and familiar. It is usually brought into crowded social situations that it is not comfortable in, such as patios at bars and brunch spots. The Barkalot's behavior is nervous and sometimes aggressive, and even though it looks cute, is to generally be avoided.
Where to find it: Bleu Garten, The Pump, dog parks
What it is: We all know what they are, but hey, they're fantastic.
Where to find it: Governor's mansion, trash cans
What it is: It's easy to track down the Dirtbaggus, all you have to do is follow your nose. The scent of nag champa and skunk weed is a dead giveaway. They are peaceful creatures, but unreliable and often late for social gatherings. If you want to make a lure to attract one, simply set up a speaker that plays dubstep. They make for boring conversation, but will usually get you high.
Where to find it: Music festivals, Sauced, your drug dealer's living room
What it is: Few creatures are as baffling and frustrating as the Mergerons. They are all metal, weigh a ton, and travel at erratic speeds without offering any signal as to which direction they are moving. They might speed dangerously, then slow down after getting in front of you. When entering highly-trafficked areas, they wait until the very last moment to enter, inconveniencing the entire tribe.
Where to find it: Broadway Extension, I-44, I-40
What it is: This legendary beast has been spinning the hottest rock in Oklahoma City since the 80's. Whether he's taking your request for 'Unskinny Bop' or 'Lick It Up' during the lunchtime crunch, or officiating a Hot Mama Contest, the Zoobeck and his gravelly bellow are unmistakable.
Where to find it: 10am-3pm on Rock 100.5 The Katt (RAAAWR!), boat and hot tub expos, Red Dog Cafe