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Polls show Oklahomans have great taste in candy, bad at sexting

8:39 AM EDT on October 19, 2016


For such a self-aware age that we live in, there's nothing we love more than polls and infographs that tell us what we're supposed to think about things. They're usually so wrong that it offends us, and then we'll share them so we can complain about the results. That's how a good chunk of clickbaiting works.

So now that I've gotten your attention by talking about 'Sex and Candy' in the headline, here's a list of my ten favorite Marcy's Playground live bootlegs- er, wait. I'm getting a text from Patrick about staying on message. I guess we'll just dig into these maps instead.

The product review site Influenster published a map purporting each US state's favorite Halloween candy, and the results may surprise you! Judging by how these things usually end up, my guesses would be that Oklahoma's favorite candy is either methamphetamine or chili-cheese fries.

But hey, the actual candy listed for us is M&M's. Way to go, Oklahoma, that's a solid choice! Who can resist those crispy candy shells that contain sweet morsels of milk chocolate? Legend has it, if you go trick'r'treating in Nichols Hills, they give out king size bags to all the little ghouls and goblins, instead of the paltry "fun size" sad-sacks to be had in your neighborhood.

There are better candies on the list, for sure (I'm looking at you, Arizona, with those fancy Toblerone bars). Any Reeses product is worth 2:1 on the underground playground trade circuit, if you're looking to get rid of those M&M's. But all these states that listed candy corn need to do some real soul-searching. They say everything is bigger in Texas, but I never knew that platitude was referring to all the landfills in San Antonio bulging with rotten candy corn the day after Halloween.

But we can't have nice things for long in Oklahoma. The real estate clickbait site Estately also recently published a map of commonly Google'd questions for each state:


Actually, that one was posted back in May, but I figured it was embarrassing enough to warrant inclusion. Seriously, Oklahoma? "Is Obama Muslim?" You should know better than to take those email forwards from your crazy uncle seriously. Even "When is Wrestlemaina?" or "Why are my nipples so sore?" are more valid search queries.

The map of 'How-To Questions' from October is less shameful, but still not good:


Let's try to avoid thinking too much about Texas and how their trash taste in candy may correlate with their desire to sell their souls. C'mon, Okies: "How to sext?" Do we need to have the cyber-birds and digi-bees talk with y'all?

First thing you need to do is have access to a phone. Your grandchildren probably got you one of those Jitterbugs with the really big buttons. You already refused the subscription they bought you to Life Alert because you were afraid that Obama was using it to track you for the impending FEMA camps, but they insisted you needed a phone.

Use the buttons on the phone to spell out words to send in a text message to your bae, boo, sidepiece, main squeeze, or hell, even a stranger. Maybe they'll be into it, remember that you miss 100% of the shots you don't take. Actually, scratch that- don't harass strangers.

Start it off simple: "What are you wearing? I've got a gravy-stained OU shirt on. The gravy is fresh. Want 2 come over?"

This will definitely turn them on, because they'll think you've got a Big Country Breakfast from Braum's. Then it's time to escalate things: "I'm thinking about ur lips & how sexy they are. Would love to see them blowing thick clouds out of my Vape. I've got Frankenberry & Onion Burger flavors, u would like it."

By this point, the other person is looking like that horny cartoon wolf with the bugged out eyes and rolling tongue and steam shooting out the ears. Gravy and vapes? Hot cha cha! Welcome to Bonetown, population: your genitals!

There probably isn't much else you'll need to do, because the other person is already heading straight to your greasy fuck-ranch. At this point, don't let back how you're really feeling: "Oh god, my legs are quivering. I'm losing all control. My knees are weak, my headboard is banging against the wall. All my belongings are falling off the shelves. Everything is shaking, oh god oh god oh god."

It's actually just an earthquake causing all that trembling, not erotic satisfaction, but roll with it, and make sure to pray afterwards.

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