October is the greatest month of the year, and it's not just because baseball is finally ending. Pillowcase-sized bags of mini Milky Ways and Crunch Bars stuff the shelves of local Walgreens and the CVS's that face them. The patiently manicured lawns of Mesta Park and Crown Heights roll out a collection of spooky lights, gory ornaments, and macabre scenes that could only come from the depraved minds and American Express accounts of lawyers and natural gas executives.
October is when we like to obsess over ghouls and monsters and spirits. In many ways, it is very similar to the start of a new Oklahoma legislative session, but the parties are better. To get everyone in the proper Halloween state of mind, we've compiled a list of the absolute scariest urban legends in Oklahoma. Get dressed in your favorite 'sexy Gary England' costume, pour a heaping bowl of Count Chocula, and dig in:
The Ghost Tiger of Wynnewood
We all know about the legendary "tigernado:" the time when a severe storm hit Joe Exotic's wildlife refuge and released several bloodthirsty cats. Allegedly, they were all contained.
Allegedly. Legend has it, one of the biggest and most ruthless of the tigers was never captured, but died in the storm. Her ghost still roams the I-35 corridor from Davis to Paul's Valley, looking to warn travelers from getting into a hot tub with Joe Exotic.
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-Cry Baby Bridge
Every town has it's own variation on this urban legend. Typically, it's a bridge where a mother drove her car off the side, or perhaps jumped off with her baby.
This version is a little different. It's supposedly the bridge somewhere near Lake Arcadia where Paul Blair wrote his whiny concession letter. If you stand on the bridge the night after a local election, a voice will cry out from beyond, blaming the voters for not electing a man who listed being a football player as a credential to be qualified to hold a Senate seat.
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-Chris Gaines
There was once a country music musician who was the biggest star in the land. He outsold every other artist in the world but the Beatles. His rock'n'pop style of country twang was beguiling to even the most hardened hearts, charming his way into tape decks and Discmans everywhere.
Then, in 1999, his alter-ego broke out. The Hyde to his Jekyll (or the other way around, I never read that old book), this sinister songwriter called himself 'Chris Gaines.' Sporting an emo black mop, sullen eyeliner, and a pouty soul-patch, Gaines released one album of beige coffee shop 'adult alternative' that was much maligned and quickly forgotten.
No one knows what happened to Chris Gaines, but they say if you go to a cut-out CD bin at the Goodwill, you can still find a copy of his album.
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-The nagging ghost of Bob Willis
As a famous country-western artist, Bob Willis carved out a Tulsa legacy through a radio show and regular performances at Cain's Ballroom. Many people have observed that any time live music or some other entirely unrelated subject is brought up on the internet, the nagging ghost of Bob Willis will leave a comment reminding everyone that "Tulsa is the cultural center of Oklahoma."
Scary, but true!
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-Lankfordstein's monster
In an old farmhouse on the hills of Fall's Creek, a madman has been working on a diabolical creation. Piecing together a mish-mash of Old Testament texts and pages from a Ronald Reagan 'page-a-day' calender, James Lankford has allegedly been constructing a horrific monster. They say its only natural enemies are government spending, immigration, and Planned Parenthood clinics.
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-Democratic voters
There was a time that the old folks still whisper about today. It was a time when Oklahoma had a proud socialist heritage, and Democratic voters out-numbered Republicans. Today, they still hold nearly half of all registered voters. But every time an election date comes by, the polls are barren and an eerie, chilly wind rolls through.
Supposedly, they're out there, but they cannot be found. Some of their Facebook pages remain active, regularly posting memes and furious tirades about local law-makers. But these vengeful spirits do not make themselves shown during an election, perhaps out of fear of change, or obsession with binge-watching Star Trek TNG on Netflix.
