Winners and Losers from the Great Durexit….
5:23 AM EDT on July 12, 2016
It's been over a week since one of the darkest, most disappointing days in Oklahoma sports history. In my jilted lover post about Kevin's betrayal that's best read while listening to You Oughta Know, I noted that there were two distinct groups of Thunder fans:
Camp One: Emotional Psychopathic Jersey Burners
This camp is populated by the loud angry pitchfork-carrying mob who burn jerseys, smash bobble heads, and leave negative reviews of KD’s Bricktown restaurant on Yelp! They recently elected Rich with Pink Parrot as their mayor. These passionate people live and die with The Thunder, and barring a Lebronesque return that will never happen, will never forgive KD for his betrayal of the city and team that he pretended to be loyal to for almost 10 years.
Camp Two: Campy Feel Good Cheery Lemmings
This camp is filled by the casual Thunder fans who also watch the Today Show, share listicles from Hello Giggles and look forward to reading Jenni Carlson each morning. They don’t really follow the Thunder too closely, but they go to games when tickets are given to them and probably own a Thunder t-shirt or two that they got for Christmas in 2013. Although they’re sad about Durant’s pathetic decision that proves he’s a two-faced hypocritical loser who replaces his real thoughts and opinions with politically correct feel good clichés that enhance his public image and brand, they appreciate all the good things KD did for the community and Oklahoma City when the cameras were rolling – something all A-list, image-conscious athletes do in their community – and wish him the best.
Over the past week, a third distinct camp has formed. It's the "Can We Please Move On And Complain About Something Else" crowd. It's populated by two types of people. First you have the smug assholes who leave that "Time to move on, guys" Facebook comment whenever they see that a friend shared Royce Young's brilliant requiem or Reggie Miller's brutally honest article about Kevin Durant trading a sacred legacy for some cheap jewelery. These folks are heavily aligned with the liberal hippies who could not care less about the Thunder and think the pick and roll is something you do with a booger. They're now being buzzkill opportunists and using KD's departure as an excuse to bring up our state's many other issues. "Where's all the OUTRAGE about teachers salaries!!!" they'll ask on social media, apparently forgetting that sports are valued way more than education in Oklahoma.
In case you care, I have my bags packed and tent broken down, but I'm still having difficulty leaving Camp One. I've moved on from the "Bargaining" stage of DABDA and am currently floating down the lazy river of "Depression." I really want to hop off and go to Acceptance Island, or at least hit the wave pool, but until either Presti trades Westbrook and officially starts another five-year rebuilding project, or KD breaks another bone in his foot and makes all Thunder fans feel a tiny bit guilty yet fortunate with the way things turned out, I don't know when or how I'll recover. Seriously, I haven't been this dejected about the departure of an athlete since Rhett Bomar was kicked off the OU football team. Since I firmly believe in history repeating itself, I totally expect the NBA to hire Gordon Riese as a replay official and screw over the Thunder in the 2017 playoffs.
Anyway, as the dust from Kevin's betrayal continues to settle, I thought it would be fun, or at least good therapy, to look at some of the winners and losers from the #Durexit. I think this will be our final post on the topic, and then we'll move back to complaining about politics and making fun of stupid people.
Here we go:
Winner: Kevin Durant's Real Estate Agent
Kevin Durant's great at hitting jump shots, driving to the basket, and taking the weak, cowardly path towards a championship, but he's not a great real estate investor. He lost almost $1-million dollars on the sale of his Gallardia mansion, and I seriously doubt we'll be able to able to recoup the investment he made in his $2.1 townhouse mansion around Deep Deuce. That's bad news for Kevin Durant, but probably great news for his realtor.
Loser: Dean Blevins
Friendly reminder, this is what Dean Blevins said in a Facebook video the night after OKC traded for Victor Oladipo:
Mark it down Thunder fans, this is going to be in my opinion, one of the bigger days in Thunder franchise history...
I'm hearing from inside sources that Kevin Durant is not only going to stick with Oklahoma City, but there's a very good chance that he's going to sign a five-year contract.
What's harder to believe? Dean and his inside sources were (once again) wrong on a story, or that News 9 still employs this clown as a reporter. First time caller. I'll take your answer off the air.
Winner: Guy Who Removes Decals
It's kind of a thankless job, but let's give this dude credit. I can't peel away a sticker from an apple without screwing up, and this guy was able to tear down KD's sticker with a couple of smooth tugs. Great job. Fast Signs should give him a promotion.
Loser: Liquor Store Owners
As if tearing our hearts out on a national holiday wasn't brutal enough, KD selected a date when all Oklahoma liquor stores were closed, preventing thousands of unprepared people to drown their sorrows away in cheap whiskey, and liquor store owners from making an easy buck.
Winner: Royce Young
Okay, Royce technically may also be a loser because I'm not sure ESPN needs a Thunder beat writer for next season, but let's give the former TLO Contributor some props for writing the best article about KD's departure. It did an amazing job laying out why everyone in Oklahoma felt so dejected and betrayed by KD's decision, and was written with so much emotion that you could feel Royce's tears on your keyboard.
Loser: Oklahoma Tribal Casinos
According to Ogle Moles, our casinos made a lot of money thanks to Kevin Durant and his mom over the years. I think the only way they'll be able to recoup this investment is to work with Christina Fallin in the legitimate online international airline poker market.
Winner: Enes Kanter
Most sports figures are like KD. They're protective of an image and brand, don't say anything too controversial or honest, and prefer to communicate to fans with phoney talk that's drenched in lies and corp-speak. Because of that, it's refreshing to see that Enes has a sense of humor about Kevin Durant leaving. Also, there's always truth in humor.
Loser: Screenwriter for Thunderstruck 2
I guess that kid forgot to give KD back his backbone, drive and courage when they swapped basketball powers.
Winner: Sam Presti's Job Security
Man, can you imagine how awesome it would be to have Kevin Durant, Russell Westbrook, James Harden and Serge Ibaka all on the same roster? You could start Regular Jim Traber at Center and have Reggie Jackson as a sixth man and it would be borderline unstoppable! It's a good thing Clay Bennett and Sam Presti figured out a way to screw it up, otherwise we'd run out of places to hang championship banners.
Seriously, though, how can you can lose three, and soon to be four, great talents like that and still have a job? I don't care how good you are at drafting and obtaining talent. It doesn't really matter if you can't make them happy, or run them all off.
Loser: Oklahoma Hall of Fame
The Oklahoma Hall of Fame has always been a joke. It's basically an excuse for the Oklahoma elite to feel important, honor their friends, and blow each other. Inducting Kevin Durant just because he was drafted to play basketball here was tremendously naive and short-sighted. Now, as if adding one person with no true allegiance to the state wasn't bad enough, Russell Westbrook will be inducted this fall before he leaves for another market. Maybe he and KD can head up the "What Could Have Been?" exhibit.
Winner: Fair Weather Sports Fans
Right now they're hiding in their cocoons, but just wait until the Warriors go on their first 10 game winning streak. They're going to come out of hiding like cicadas on a hot summer night.
Loser: Kevin Durant
He may win 10 championships in Golden State, but at least for me, he'll always be a loser. Well, unless he comes back to Oklahoma City. Then he'll be a winner again.
Are you a winner or loser? Did I miss in obvious things? Please let us know in the comments!
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