20 reasons to leave Oklahoma (20-11)
4:39 AM EDT on June 28, 2016
Presumably, you can think of a few good reasons to stay in Oklahoma since you're most likely living here. (I assume, since this is a pretty Oklahoma-centric site.) Being near family and a low-cost of living are both very nice things. But what about all the reasons you have to leave?
If you grew up here, then you probably spent the majority of your high school years talking about how you would leave Oklahoma and never return. Then you probably went to OU, OSU, or UCO, and are still stuck here. Well, in case you needed the extra push, I'm counting down the top 20 reasons to leave Oklahoma this week. Here are reasons 20-11.
20. You hate the weather 98% of the time.
There are like three days in the fall, and about two days in the spring when the weather in Oklahoma is nice. The rest of the year? It really sucks. If the wrath of God isn't coming at you in the form of a tornado, then it's so hot that you're sweating your ass off, or so cold and snowy that the whole state has closed down. If the temperature is nice, it's generally windy as hell. If you're like me, you dream of living in a place that feels like fall all year round, or at least doesn't get above 90 degrees. Just imagine what that would be like!
19. You're sick of paying $4 to drive to Tulsa.
Let's talk about the Turner Turnpike for a second. Is that not the biggest ripoff in the history of roads? You pay $4 for the pleasure of driving down a turnpike that is down to one lane the majority of the way there, and your rest stop options are severely lacking. And no matter what, whoever you're driving with has to stop at the McDonald's on the way even though you're going to eat a real meal once you get to Tulsa.
18. You want to form your own Life Church.TV franchise
Let's be honest. LifeChurch has totally saturated the Oklahoma market. There's a branch in every town, it seems like. And everywhere you turn they're building a new one, or the car in front of you has one of their bumper stickers. Knowing how popular the brand is in Oklahoma, wouldn't it make sense to move to a different part of the country and start your own regional chain of franchises? They're recipe for religion is one of the most tasty out there, and will be success anywhere. You'll get rich fast!
17. You just don't trust that Catoosa whale.
As well you shouldn't. How the hell did a whale get into a landlocked state?
16. Neither crimson nor orange are your colors.
It doesn't matter who you root for. Let's talk about colors. If you don't look good in crimson, and orange makes you look like you have jaundice, you probably have some trouble during football season. Take a moment to look at all your options, and then make a move to state that has a college football team you can root for without looking terrible.
15. Snakes and Mountain Lions
According to KFOR, there's a snake or mountain lion currently hiding in your backyard ready to kill you!
14. You're poor
One good thing about being poor in Oklahoma is that it's relatively cheap to live here. The bad thing about being poor in Oklahoma is that our elected officials and business community really don't give a damn about you or circumstances. In fact, whether they're denying federal healthcare funds, banning panhandling, or trying to pass a 1% regressive sales tax fund education, they actually make and pass laws that make it harder to climb out of the poverty wheelhouse!
13. You want to see what it's like to live in a place that isn't on any "worst" lists.
Have you ever wondered what it's like to live in a place that isn't constantly being billed as the most unhealthy, the worst for women, or even the worst state to live in? The only way to find out is to leave. Go find those gold-paved roads out west, and enjoy health and social services that increase the quality of life. Watch as you slowly morph from a sad, deflated meat sack of an Okie into a healthy, functioning member of society. At least, I think that's what happens as soon as you leave.
12. You're a teacher, and want to earn what you deserve.
There's a good chance that if you're an Oklahoma teacher, you've already left Oklahoma, or you've left the one profession you really wanted so you could earn enough money to live on. But, if by some weird chance you're still here, this is just a reminder that other states pay teachers pretty well, and their legislatures aren't gutting the education budget because they refuse to tax energy companies what they should.
11. So your friends will stop sending you that Lauren Zuniga video.
You've threatened a billion times, and every time, someone sends you a link to this poem. They don't think you'll do it, and for some reason, they think you're obligated to stay and make this a better place, even though you never really liked it in the first place. You're out. And once you're gone, they can't send you that link anymore!
Tune in on Thursday to see the top 10 reasons to leave Oklahoma!
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