Joleen Chaney is going back to KFOR!!!
2:12 PM EDT on June 23, 2016
Yesterday was a typical afternoon at the KFOR studios on North Britton.
I had just wrapped a production meeting with Promo Joe and news director Natalie Hughes where we discussed ways to promote the station's upcoming investigative series on unregistered sex offenders who may be posing as copperhead snakes and mountain lions near local elementary schools, and was standing by the break room watercooler talking with Lorne Fultonberg about the no-bake cookies Scott Hines brought for everyone the day before.
While Lorne was rambling about how the cookies were a bit too sugary and needed more peanut butter, we were interrupted by the long, howling, distressed cry of a female voice screaming "Whhhhy! Whyyyyy!"
Alarmed that Gaylon Culver or the Social Media Bandits may have escaped their cages, we quickly grabbed some bear mace and darted out the break room into the "Cavanaugh Corridor" – a long narrow hallway lined with photos of Linda Cavanaugh from the last eight decades that connects the newsroom to administrative offices. The cries were coming from the last door on the left, which opened into the makeup room. I heroically ran to the room and peered around the open door. Huddled in the back corner sitting against the wall with her knees raised into her body and hands covering her face was Abby Broyles.
"Whhyyyy! Whyyyy!" she sobbed over again like someone had just repeatedly hit her in the leg with a club at the Olympic figure skating trials.
Loren and I ran to her. She was wearing a white KFOR polo shirt. She smelled like Bath and Body Works and Irish whiskey.
"Abby. What is it?! What's wrong?" I asked.
She snapped to and lifted her head, but didn't answer. She looked up into the corner of the room and stared at nothing as salty tears and watery purple lines of mascara dripped down her face.
"Is everything okay," Lorne asked. "Do you want one of Scott's no-bakes? That will cheer you up. They're delicious."
"No... No thank you" she said while wiping away her tears with a thin, watery tissue. "I'm full, and they really needed more peanut butter."
Lorne and I looked at each other and raised our eyes. I guess he was right.
"What's bothering you," I asked. "Is there anything I can do to help?"
Abby sighed and let off a little laugh under her breath. "Not unless you have a time machine." She then handed me her phone. On the screen staring back at me through smudges and fingerprints was the following tweet from Lance West:
"Wait?! Is this real?" I asked. I quickly tossed the phone to Lorne.
"I guess so," she said as she gently dabbed the soggy tissue against her bright red cheek.
"Joleen's coming back here? We're going to be co-workers?!" Lorne screamed.
"This is insane!" I said. Loren and I then high-fived each other like a couple of drunk Chesapeake lease analysts celebrating a Kyle Singler three pointer and did a quick little do-si-do.
"This is awesome! Let's go tell the others!" he said. We tried to dart out of the room at the same time, and in the process, collided and nearly knocked each other to the ground.
"I'll go this way. You go that way," I said while regaining my footing. We then scurried in opposite directions down the hallway, eager to tell our coworkers the exciting news. As I opened the door to the newsroom, an all too familiar sound returned.
"Whyyyy! Whyyyyy!" I heard Abby cry. "Why!!!"
Okay, so I may have made up a couple of things in the story (Scott Hines is more of a chocolate brownie type of guy), but for the most part, that's exactly how things went down.
Also, that tweet from Lance West is 100% accurate and true. Watermelon Queen Joleen Chaney is returning to KFOR! Here's her Instagram quote about it:
If you remember correctly, Joleen Chaney left KFOR Channel 4 for KWTV Channel 9 a couple of years ago. She apparently made that switch because she didn't like the old KFOR news director all that much. According to sources, she's making the move back to KFOR for a better schedule, better pay and no Facebook video quotas. I guess she also wants to spend more time with me and her kids or something like that. Who knows.
Here are some other notes about the news:
• It appears Joleen will be working work the 4:00pm shift with Lance West. I assume she'll be a co-anchor.
• I have no clue what this means for Meg Alexander's replacement, Marianne Rafferty. She always seemed a bit too serious for KFOR's unique blend of sensational, tabloid style news.
• Joleen's return to KFOR means she'll be reunited with her former roommate – Severe Weather Princess Emily Sutton. That's great news for my dreams and fantasies. Joleen has always been the Ginger to Emily's Mary Ann.
• I sent an email to Joleen's boyfriend, Sir John Michael, to get his thoughts on the matter, but he was sunbathing in the nude on a school bus. He said he'll get back with me.
Anyway, congrats to Joleen Chaney on the big news. On behalf of everyone at KFOR, we're happy to welcome her back home and wish her the best of luck. We can't wait to get a little bit of JoJo. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go check on Abby Broyles. Lorne and I brought her some no-bakes to cheer her up.