The most uncomfortable part of ending any relationship is getting your shit back from the other person. A few weeks ago, my ex came over to pick up a lawnmower that I had been storing for her and it was the coldest, most wordless transaction I’ve had since the last time I went to the bank.
I can’t imagine how it must be for poor Miranda Lambert. That feisty l’il spitfire not only moved to Tishomingo for six-packin Blake Shelton, but opened a goll-durned store in his town, the “lifestyle boutique” the Pink Pistol which, if you’ve ever been to, was sorely out-of-place among the shuttered dime-stores and Hunt Brothers pizza outlets.
Surely, no one believed that it was going to stay open after their break-up, right? To be honest, given her spunky, violent “crazy ex-girlfriend” persona, I’m actually amazed she and Carrie Underwood didn’t grudge-torch the bitch for the insurance money like a real-life Thelma and Louise.
The town of Tishomingo is getting off light, if you ask me, Hell hath no fury and all that.
Leaving a diplomatically worded Dear John titled "Miranda Returns to Her Roots and Brings the Pink Pistol Back Home, Bigger and Better Texas Style" (ouch!) on her website, she basically said her goodbyes to the decaying small town and all the dumb, unstylish Okies that live there, and, of course, finished up with one of those pseudo-inspirational final lines that you can never tell is supposed to be a misquoted passage from Ecclesiastes or something stolen from a sorority girl’s Marilyn Monroe poster…
“Sometimes you need to close a chapter to build on a new beginning or go back home.”
If I had a nickel for every time a girl said something like that to me before she kissed me on the cheek and said goodbye, I’d have a quarter and still no girlfriend.
Either way, all of the people pictured above are out of work now and it’s totally Blake Shelton’s fault for not keeping it in his Carhartts. Hopefully he’ll do the right thing, put aside a week’s worth of booze money and give all those former employees a nice severance package because I seriously doubt it's easy to find work in Tishomingo.
As for the property, why not buy the building back and give it as a gift to supposed upsell Gwen Stefani? She has her own line of upscale clothes and merchandise right? Wouldn’t it be nice if she could ruralfy it, Pink Pistol-style? How about a L.A.M.B. store, but with real lambs? Harajuku Farm and Tractor Supply? Underneath It All Soil and Compost Outlet? Or, maybe she can just leave it empty and have it match the former stores around her and call it Spiderwebs. Either way, wouldn’t you just love to see these Midwich Cuckoos mulling around downtown Tish?
There's still no word, however, on what’s going to happen to Lambert's Tishomingo -based bed & breakfast, the Ladysmith. Just in case, someone hide the kerosene and matches. I gotta real bad feelin’ somethin’ bad’s about to happen...
UPDATE: Just as I was posting this story to TLO, E! News released this ultra-bitchy exclusive statement from Blake:
"As a resident of Tishomingo, I am very sorry that the Pink Pistol has decided to move its operations out of the area. We all as a community appreciate everything it has done for our town. As for the actual properties left behind…I was offered the opportunity to buy them and I have a plan brewing."
Ugh…it’s going to be a brewery isn’t it? Don’t get high on your own supply, bro. Chew tobacco, chew tobacco, chew tobacco, spit.
If Miranda were my girlfriend, I wouldn't call the cops when she gets drunk and hits me. Follow Louis on Twitter at @LouisFowler.