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RIP: Hollywood the Elk

3:32 PM EST on January 18, 2016

hollywood elk

Last night, after an afternoon of mildly amusing "Sunday funday" activities, I was watching the Godfather Epic on HBO. It basically combines Godfather 1 and Godfather 2 into one big chronological director's cut. If you're one of those people who always stops at the Godfather when you see it while flipping through channels, or have six hours free and nothing better to do on a Sunday night, it's worth viewing.

As I was watching the film, I stumbled across this disgusting report from KFOR:

GRAPHIC: Well-known elk illegally killed at Oklahoma nature preserve

Authorities in Tahlequah are searching for a person who illegally killed a well-known animal at an Oklahoma nature reserve.

Visitors to the The Nature Conservancy’s J.T. Nickel Preserve near Tahlequah were often greeted to the park by an 8-year-old bull elk.

The elk, who was named ‘Hollywood,’ was the feature of many guest photographs since he could usually be found resting near the road.

“It was not uncommon to see ‘Hollywood’ on a daily basis,” said Jeremy Tubbs, the director the J.T. Nickel Preserve. “He was commonly photographed by visitors. He was not just any elk, he was an elk that people looked for when visiting the preserve.”

However, officials say someone illegally poached ‘Hollywood,’ leaving his carcass behind but taking his head.

Here's the deal. If you conducted a focus group of my ex-wives, girlfriends and mistresses, which kind of sounds like it would be a fun experience, one theme you'd likely discover is that I'm a self-centered narcissist who makes everything about me. On that note, I have something crazy to share! Check out what was happening in The Godfather while I was reading the story!

elk

Crazy, huh? Does that count as Ogle Influence? I'm not sure how it works. Also, I have way too many tabs open. It's a bad habit.

Anyway, I turned off the Godfather Epic at that point. It's best watched in shifts. Plus, I was worried the next story on KFOR would be about some guy getting shot with 1,000 bullets while waiting at the Turner Turnpike Toll Plaza.

Also – just to be clear – the real story here isn't the strange coincidence that creeped me out. It's that some sick idiot out there went all Godfather on Hollywood the Elk! What type of 

"Hey, look like that friendly, harmless elk in the nature preserve that everyone seems to enjoy! I'm going to chop off it's head and put on my wall because I have a small penis!"

What a nut. If you know who this guy is please inform the authorities so we can dump him in Manitowoc County and frame him (or her) with a more serious crime.

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