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Braum’s somehow lost over 1,000 cattle…

10:48 AM EST on January 13, 2016

braums girl

We give Braum's more grief on this site than they probably deserve, but we have good reasons. For example...

1. They only get your order right 80% of the time. I don't have a scientific study to prove this, but it feels about right. I guess Braum's is like the Tinder of local fast food restaurants. You browse the menu and select the items you think you want, but you never really know what you ordered until you get home and open the bag. "Oh, I thought I ordered a Number 1 w/ cheese, no mayo and no pickles. I guess I'll try this burger with mayo and pickles only instead."

2. They're always dirty. I don't understand Braum's staffing procedures. They can't find one employee to clean the dining room, but always seem to have one person on staff who just stands next to the shake machine looking around like they were locked in a dark room and somebody just turned the light on. Also, why are flies so attracted to Braum's? They must really like ice cream, crinkle fries and the crusty stuff on the ketchup counter.

3. I have a massive crush on the Braum's girl. Let's be honest. What heterosexual male, bisexual male/female, or lesbian female who used to work at VZDs doesn't? Just look at the way that innocent piece of cheery sunshine appears from the lucid dream of a Braum's acid trip and smiles at you before being wiped away by a runaway semi-truck. How could you not be mesmerized by that? It makes me feel warmer than a hot, steaming cup of Braum's chili.

Anyway, in case you didn't notice, I have way too many opinions about Braum's. That's why I was surprised to learn that over 1,000 of Braum's cows mysteriously disappeared from a ranch at the western Oklahoma / Texas border last year and haven't been heard from since. How could I miss a story like this?! The Journal Record had an update this week:

Lost on the range: 1,121 head of Braum’s cattle remain missing

A year ago, employees of the Braum’s chain turned up a troubling detail in dairy operations: The company’s breeding cattle herd on the west side of the state was 1,121 head short...

Damn, I totally forgot that Journal Record puts a pay wall on most of its content. Since I assume most of you are like me and don't work for a downtown law office, bank, or PR firm, and therefore don't have a Journal Record subscription, let's find a different source. Here are the details via some Texas publication called Texas Monthly:

1,100 head of cattle worth around $1.4 million have vanished from a Panhandle dairy belonging to the Braum’s restaurant chain. The disappearance of the Holstein / Jersey calves was discovered during the company’s annual inventory at their 24,000-acre farm on the Oklahoma / Texas line east of Follett, about 125 miles northeast of Amarillo.

The logistics of the heist are mind-boggling. Braum’s officials have told the Texas and Southwestern Cattle Raisers Association that they estimate the missing calves to have weighed between 300 and 750 pounds each at the time of their disappearance. (A time they can’t pinpoint to anything more specific than “sometime last year.” And the cattle were neither branded nor photographed either.) Let’s say each of the calves tipped the scales at 500 pounds, and the thieves had a huge 36-foot cattle trailer at their disposal, one capable of hauling about 37 calves. Under those parameters, that would come to 30.29 trailer-loads of Jersey / Holsteins.

Once again, I'm not a scientist – I just say I am to impress women at bars – but how is possible to steal that much cattle and not get noticed? As Texas Monthly pointed out, the obvious answer is...


But I'm sure there's a better excuse:

“It’s as big as I’ve heard about in my lifetime,” Anthony N. Ruiz, a livestock production agent with the State of Kansas, tells the Daily Post. “The sheer number of cattle and their high value in today’s market is something of epic proportions.”

News of the heist has gone viral in cattle-raising circles. Reaction on bovine-centric message boards and social media ranged from wistful (“Man I wish I had enough cattle to not notice 1000 steers missing”) and incredulous (the theory that Braum’s inventory-taking is not up to snuff) to vengeful (“Hang ‘em high, like we used to”).

Yeeeeehaw! Let me tell ya, partner. You ain't lived life until you've hit up them bovine-centric message boards on a Friday night. Darn tootin, they make me laugh and giggle so much I shit my drawers! Who wants a Cerz Light!

I hate to say it, but you can put me in the "incredulous" camp. Sure, maybe some Heisenberg of Cattle Rustling pulled off the heist of the century, but this is Braum's we're talking about. They can't even get their employees to figure out the difference between sweet and unsweet tea, much less manage, track and maintain thousands of cattle. Knowing them, the probably screwed something up and sent someone the wrong order. It wouldn't be the first time.

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