2015 Year in Review: April
8:30 AM EST on December 28, 2015
T.S. Eliot wrote "April is the cruellest month," and man, he wasn't kidding. Pretty sure he wrote that poem while going through a slow month writing an obscure local social blog. But hey, Fast 7 came out in the theaters in April and that was a pretty bitchin' movie. I know what you're thinking, you saw the first two and they were awful, but you gotta check this shit out if you like your action as big and dumb as possible. The only way they're going to keep this series going is by driving cars into space, which is probably gonna happen somehow. I bet T.S. Eliot would have loved it. Vin Diesel is a modern-day poet.
Published: April 27 2015
What We Said: "If you laughed at a pregnant woman fainting, you really are an asshole, should feel ashamed and probably deserve intense psychotherapy. Maybe I’ll see you in the waiting room."
What We Learned: There's not always money in the banana stand.
Best Comment: "I miss Sarah Libby."
Published: April 23, 2015
What We Said: "What is it about dusty porn and glass blown pipes that are so damn cool? Who doesn’t love shelves and shelves of bongs that are for “tobacco use only?” Well, apparently a lot of government agencies don’t like them. "
What We Learned: Oklahoma's tolerance for anything pot-related is incredibly low. We will be dragged kicking and screaming into the modern era of decriminalization, and will probably waste a lot of taxpayer money filing Supreme Court lawsuits to prevent our citizens from partaking in the Devil's Weed.
Best Comment: "They’re probably injecting two or three whole marijuanas, even."
Published: April 1, 2015
What We Said: "Yep, that really happened. Donald Trump called our governor “Mary.” Does the guy not have any respect? What an asshole. Also, I wonder if Christina asked to try on his hairpiece for a quick pic. She does love beautiful things."
What We Learned:
Christina Fallin will probably vote for Donald Trump. They have a lot in common, actually, being xenophobic creeps from privileged backgrounds that put them out of touch with the real world. I can't wait until his campaign hires her as a consultant.
Best Comment: "Can you be fired if you’ve never had a job?"
Published: April 9, 2015
What We Said: "Has anyone seen her? Have you seen her? I sent out a tweet yesterday in hopes of a response, but…nothing. So, Sweet Brown, if you’re out there barbecuing or running for your life, let us know. We miss you and want to have a cold pop."
What We Learned: Nothing, really, except that she's slid out of the limelight.
Best Comment: "What’s up with the panties Hammer is wearing at the beginning of that video? I really wish I hadn’t seen that."
Published: April 15, 2015
What We Said: "Ask any of the Mid-Del or Choctaw kids, and they’ll tell you all about this place. There are even documentaries dedicated to it on YouTube. Apparently it’s the location of many Satanic rituals and horse sacrifices. Oh, and there’s a tale about a man with a machete chasing visitors from that location. Basically, it’s the best location for the Church of Satan next time they want to hold one of their black masses, because unlike the Civic Center, the Purple Church has never hosted a production of Annie or The Nutcracker."
What We Learned: There's a lot of haunted-ass places in Oklahoma, but it's a shame Wayne Coyne Manor and Christina's Trailer of Terror didn't make the list.
Best Comment: "2300 North Lincoln Boulevard, Oklahoma City
It’s a bit dangerous, but worth the trip if you’re lookin for a fright. It’s an old, decaying building filled with the spirits of lust, hate and greed.