When recalling key historical moments, the kind that define generations and bring humanity together, conversations begin with the oft-asked, "Where were you?" Pearl Harbor, the dropping of the atomic bomb, John F Kennedy's assassination, Elvis' death, 9/11. Anyone who has lived through a moment that brought about a paradigm shift in culture can recall the exact moment when they heard the news.
2015's most obvious moment of "where were you" had to be the time you were on Twitter or Facebook in February and seeing everyone on your feed talking about some stupid fucking dress that was black and gold, or white and blue, or saffron and umber, or neon grey and desert camo. You went through the stages of bafflement, anger, frustration, sadness, and finally, acceptance that you'd rather pay attention to viral non-sequiturs than real current events that affect your local community and the broad world.
Now that you're cool with it, here's 5 more!
5. Oklahoma City is finally getting a Trader Joe's!
Published: Feb 6, 2015
What We Said: "We know this thanks to, uhm, the local message board OKCTalk. Yep, the always reliable internet message board is breaking local business news. And we wonder why the newspaper industry is failing and laying off employees."
What We Learned: Message boards and obscure local blogs are still your number 1 source for breaking news. Also, you're still going to have to hold your breath for awhile if you want to get your hands on a case of Two Buck Chuck (or drive to Dallas).
Best Comment: "I wonder if folks in Kandahar ever argue with folks in Kabul about which town is more neato. No matter which town gets a TJ, it won’t change the fact that Oklahoma is America’s Afghanistan except with no “real” mountains."
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4. Do not take pics inside First National Center. You may get sued.
Published: Feb 19, 2015
What We Said: "Yes, they want to protect the “integrity and historic significance of the space.” Uhm, then why not let a blogger write a nice post about the damn thing and post a few pictures honoring that history? Or better yet, just sell the building for a reasonable price to a local developer who will rescue it, restore it and make it usable. You know, the exact thing current ownership and management won’t do."
What We Learned: Oklahoma City is experiencing serious growing pains, confused about whether they should continue to develop or let their historic buildings be anything more than private monuments to its mediocre past. Also, Edgar Cruz can fuckin' SHRED, catch him every third Tuesday at the FNC lobby playing classical covers of Wings jams.
Best Comment: "I know this girl and she’s an A+ Professional Class International Time Traveling Bank Thief. She was subtly casing the place in our time, disguised as a fashion blogger, in hopes of stealing the billion dollars worth of bullion 84 years from now, when they finally decide to renovate the building. She would have gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that meddling T. Matthew Smith."
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3. We tried the chunky guacamole recipe from Jack White’s OU concert rider…
Published: Feb 2 2015
What We Said: "I can only imagine a dedicated Latino cook, an artist who’s spent years perfecting his palate for authentic Mexican cuisine, being given this recipe, totally second-guessed by the pinche guey who wrote “Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground.” You best take your ass on over to Ted’s Café Escondido if you want that kind of service, Jack White—no self-respecting Latino is gonna be told how to make guacamole, especially from a recipe that has been so neutered, castrating any bit of culinary machismo the green garnish might even have: deveined serranos? Only salt and pepper?"
What We Learned: Jack White does not like it when his bland taste in food becomes printed in a school paper. And keep the damn seeds from your peppers in, otherwise you're wasting the best part.
Best Comment: "David Lee Roth is one intelligent motherf***ker."
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Published: Feb 11 2015
What We Said: "That’s News 9’s Joleen Chaney interviewing some wildling warlock name Sir John Michael. He’s just your regular old dude who likes to sunbathe in the nude, wear women’s leggings and cavemen vests, and live a simple life on a school bus out in the country next to his landlord’s pot farm. He also has a crystal-topped staff, probably for magical reasons."
What We Learned: "If life gives you lemons, fuck life."
Best Comment: "That is some sorry looking weed. Let’s do better Oklahoma."
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1. Meg Alexander is out at KFOR Channel 4
Published: Feb 27, 2015
What We Said: "I just don’t know what to think about this. What are we going to do without the hairstyles, the clothes and the slurry over-enunciation of basic words? Who will Emily Sutton and Scott Hines turn to when they need to cry about things? Who will Linda Cavanaugh send out to fetch her Starbucks? These are important questions that must be answered!"
What We Learned: Don't stand out from the status quo in Oklahoma media if you want to hold a job.
Best Comment: "…maybe her, Joleen and Bobbie and Robin will form a “KFOR First Wives Club” of sorts at News 9 with Jim and David being the Pinatas"
