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Live the Adventure! Join the Hobby Lobby family!

9:30 AM EST on November 20, 2015


Have you ever dreamt of traveling the world, exploring foreign lands and seeking out treasures thought to be the myths of long-forgotten holy books? Then Team Hobby Lobby is looking for you!

At their highly secretive warehouse where they keep on lock-down such treasures as the Lost Betty Boop Poster of Ankara, the Babylonian “Dance Like No One Is Watching” Scrolls and the Puff-Paint Puppy Iron-On Overalls for Kindergarten Teachers of the Covenant, the highly secretive organization is looking for the best and brightest at this weekend’s job fair. Come for the highly competitive pay…stay for the globetrotting adventure!

From Facebook:

Good news! Our Distribution Hiring Center is opening its doors for YOU this weekend, so come in and apply!

Saturday, November 21st, from 7 a.m. to 11 a.m. the Hobby Lobby Distribution Center will be taking applications and interviewing for day and night warehouse positions.

Hourly pay $15.24 - $15.74 / hour.

Please visit the hiring center at 3700 S. Council Road in Oklahoma City, Ok!

Background and drug test required.

That’s no problem for me, as the only drug I crave is danger! And with the company in recent hot-water for trying to smuggle ancient artifacts into the United States, now is the time for me to finally quit this piddling local blog nonsense and go back into being the morally incorruptible mercenary for hire that that long-forgotten monastery of monks raised me to be lo those many years ago.

Feel like you're a prospective hire? Then here are a few tips you might want to follow when trying to impress the head honchos, blanketed in darkness via flat screen monitors, during a Hobby Lobby interview, should you make it past the laser-garrote security protocols, of course:

1. When they ask you what your biggest weakness is, say something humble-braggy that lets them know you’re an unstoppable killing machine, and only the mighty fist of Yahweh himself can slay you.

2. When asked about salary expectations, let them know firmly that you only accept Bitcoins transferred by a Cambodian banker found  on a Deep Web trading post.

3. Come dressed to impressed! A necklace made from the ears of your enemies and a nice pair of khaki trousers never fail to get noticed.

4. When asked what makes you" Live, Laugh or Love," the answer to all three is “revenge.”

5. Do NOT bring your sidearm to the interview. Hobby Lobby saves marksmanship for the second round of interviews.

6. When asked to give an example of a customer service skill that you excel in, give a wink, a knowing smile and gently say “The seduction of the innocent.”

7. Be able to lift, at times, 15 to 115 pounds. Demonstrate this by throwing a miniature statue of a cocker spaniel through a plateglass window. Follow-up with pithy catchphrase such as “Looking for a job can be a real bitch these days…”

8. Remember to bring certification that you are forklift-trained according to OSHA regulations.

Or, you know, you can show up, resume in hand and put your best foot forward, looking sharp in appearance and confident in demeanor. Your call. Either way, good luck, amigo. See you in Hell Heaven!

You'd be amazed at what Louis Fowler tries to sneak past editors. Follow him on Twitter at @LouisFowler.

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