Visitor’s Guide for the Southern Republican Leadership Conference

WINTER IS COMING!

Okay, we are not being invaded by frozen zombies, but it's close enough.

As you probably know, Oklahoma City is hosting the Southern Republican Leadership Conference. The two-day event will feature a gamut of speeches and fundraisers for 2016 GOP Presidential Candidates. Here's a little blurb from NewsOK.com:

Let's be honest, a herd of powerful Republicans should feel right at home in a state that's redder than Spencer's baby's diaper rash, but they're still from out of town. They'll be looking for something to kill some time. So to give them a "Big Friendly" Oklahoma City welcome, Marisa and I thought I would provide some things to do for our visitors while they are in town...

Tour the Hobby Lobby Distribution Center

Nothing displays the dominance of America internationally like a warehouse in the heartland full of Chinese-made goods. Couple that with all the Bible verses craftily painted on decorative wall hangings and the fact that Hobby Lobby is a company that seemingly beat Obamacare, you have yourself a haven for Republicans.

-

Stop by Sir John Michael's School Bus

Just be sure to go when he's not posing nude.

Go to a service at Windsor Hills Baptist Church

Some people would characterize this church as a hate group, but you'd probably only say that if you were some sort of Godless commie that hates America. If your campaign hinges on spreading false information about and denying rights to homosexuals, this church is the best place to hang out and hear the gospel.

-

Visit the The Garold Wayne Interactive Zoological Park

It's the only zoo in the world where the caged animals are not the main attraction.

-

Shoot up things at the Wilshire Gun Range 

Shooting guns, buffalo burgers, and booze? This is the most American of places. And who knows, maybe Mary Fallin will drive a tank over a car there to kick off the Southern Republican Leadership Conference!

-

Tour Hipster Boo Boo's trailer at the Governor's Mansion

I'm not making this shit up, but apparently Christina and some friends are now living in a trailer at the Governor's mansion while the place is being remodeled. That probably explains why the mansion now smells like meth.

-

Learn about new religeons at the Omniplex

The Ominplex is a museum that teaches about this supernatural, agenda-ridden field call science. Some locals around town call it "Science Museum Oklahoma." For what it's worth, those locals are morons.

-

Go the Civic Center and witness where the Black Mass was held

Even with the SRLC being in town this weekend, the Satanic Black Mass is the coolest event Oklahoma City has had since the 2012 NBA Finals.

-

Eat dinner at Furr's Fresh Buffet

This is probably one of the Metro's most popular restaurants, which says just about everything you need to know about Oklahoma.

-

Russell Westbrook's Ozarka Water House 

This is for Marco Rubio because he gets really thirsty.

-

Block the Kilpatrick Turnpike

And this is for Christ Christie because he's an asshole...

-

Shop at Mathis Brothers

It would be easy to make a crass joke about sending Republicans to a drag show at The Boom, but they're too closeted for that. So where do Oklahoma's most famous closeted gay men hang out? That's right--on a Broyhill sectional in the showroom of Mathis Brothers. But remember--it's strictly B.Y.O.G. there...

-

Devon Tower

Even though it's so new, the Devon Tower has basically become a symbol of Oklahoma City whether we like it or not. No trip to Oklahoma City is complete without taking a look at it, which is perfect because nothing screams Republican like a giant phallic symbol created by the energy industry.