Translating those SAE apologies…

Alright, I have to be honest. The response from my last article is cool and all, but it’s also a gift and a curse. I’ve slept maybe a total of six hours since Monday because every time I lay me down to sleep and pray the Lord my soul to keep, I’m stuck staring at the ceiling thinking “How do I follow that up?” and “Will they notice I don’t understand colons or semi-colons?”

Both questions I can’t really answer; but hey I was just wondering:

WHY WON’T THESE PEOPLE JUST SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP?!

(All caps brought to you by the good folks over at Left Pinky LLC).

Answer: Nobody knows, but as long as Parker Rice keeps talking, the jokes keep flowing. I mean, honestly, when you think about it in a completely objective manner: the kid is fucking hilarious.

I mean, here I am at in the break room at work. It’s 7:53am CST, so I’m going through my normal pregame routine. I’m running lay-up lines on the water fountain, while the Keurig mixes up 10oz cup of the finest medium dark roast coffee on this side of the Mississippi. As I pour the second of two French vanilla creamers into my Styrofoam cup, I open Twitter; ya know, just to see what the birds’ are chirpin’ about today.

And boy oh boy, were the Crows out.

(See what I did there? Of course you did, you know how jokes work.)

BRUH. When I saw the words “SAE” and “apologies,” I just lifted my head and looked at God because I knew I had found my next article. I was so damn excited I didn’t even open the link. NAH. This one had to wait until 5pm. This was going to need my complete and undivided attention. Honestly, the only way to describe how I felt is... hmm... It was like when Bruce Wayne sees the bat sig... wait, no, it was way better than that. It was like when Russell Westbrook decides he’s about to go the entire 94 feet and dunk on all 9 players on the court. As a matter of fact, I’m pretty sure I said aloud: “Oh yeah, I’m about to throw this shit off the glass.”

Below you’ll find the apologies from Parker Rice and Levi Pettit and my translations of them. I don’t know man, I just felt bad for the guys. They're having to be all politically correct when I knew they really just wanted to keep it a hunna. No worries, my dudes. I gotch’all.

Parker's Words:

“I am deeply sorry for what I did Saturday night. It was wrong and reckless. I made a horrible mistake by joining into the singing and encouraging others to do the same. On Monday, I withdrew from the university, and sadly, at this moment our family is not able to be in our home because of threatening calls as well as frightening talk on social media."

Translation:

It’s not the racism I’m sorry about, it’s the fact that I had to share this moment with so many no-names. I mean, look at the video. LOOK AT IT. I was cleeearlyyy in my happy place. I was in musical Utopia, bro bro. And now I’m just pissed at the fact that I didn’t get to showcase the interpretive dance that accompanies the song. I’VE BEEN WORKING ON THAT SHIT FOR 8 WEEKS. 8 WEEKS, FAM. 56 WHOLE DAYS. So you know, what? I’m out. I’m probably better off without OU, anyway. Did Justin Timberlake need NSYNC? Did David Ruffin need The Temptations? Exactly. AIN’T NOBODY COMING TO SEE YOU, OTIS. And another thing,

“I DON’T LIKE PEOPLE PLAYING ON MY PHONE.” – The Chappelle Show.

Parker's Words:

“I know everyone wants to know why or how this happened. I admit it likely was fueled by alcohol consumed at the house before the bus trip, but that's not an excuse. Yes, the song was taught to us, but that too doesn't work as an explanation. It's more important to acknowledge what I did and what I didn't do. I didn't say no, and I clearly dismissed an important value I learned at my beloved high school, Dallas Jesuit. We were taught to be ‘Men for Others.' I failed in that regard, and in those moments, I also completely ignored the core values and ethics I learned from my parents and others."

Translation:

Listen, man, I ain’t no snitch. Let’s get that straight right now. So no. Hell no. I will not tell you there was an abundance of underage drinking going on. Because, ya know, that’s illegal in all 50 states. But was there? Yes. And is that song a proud SAE tradition that has been passed on from generation to generation? I won’t say yes, but I won’t say no. LOL JK, I’ll say yes to that, too. You didn’t hear it from me though. Sure, I could take FULL accountability for my actions, but I’d honestly rather just blame it on the alcohol and keep it moving. It was Founder’s Day, fam. Ya boy was loose on that Goose. Athe end of the day, I’m just sorry I embarrassed my high school, and if there’s one I can pass onto those that come after me, it’s this: liquor before beer, you still aren’t in the clear.

Parker's Words:

“At this point, all I can do is be thoughtful and prayerful about my next steps, but I am also concerned about the fraternity friends still on campus. Apparently, they are feeling unsafe and some have been harassed by others. Hopefully, the university will protect them."

Translation:

“At this point, what can I do? Face all over the news. Name all over the web. I’m pretty much fucked. Do you know I can’t even get an SEC school to take me? I repeat, the SEC. Dog, racism was invented down there and I can't even get a call back. So, in the meantime, I’ll be taking my talents to a place they can be valued and appreciated: Call of Duty on Xbox Live. And yo…If you see any of my boys on campus, tell ‘em to keep their heads on a swivel and always remember: bob and weave, bob and weave. It’s every man for himself now.”

Parker's Words:

“For me, this is a devastating lesson and I am seeking guidance on how I can learn from this and make sure it never happens again. My goal for the long-term is to be a man who has the heart and the courage to reject racism wherever I see or experience it in the future.

Translation:

“Yo is that pizza here yet? I swear we called like an hour ago. Isn’t there like a rule or something that says if it takes more than thirty minutes then it’s free? Doesn’t matter. We’re rich.”

Parker's Words:

“Thank you for your consideration of my deepest apologies for what I did.”

Translation:

“So do y’all need my hat size and robe measurements? Or.. Oh? You said, what? We just wear suits and ties now? Well, tickle me pink, I’ll see you Monday at 8."

And that’s pretty much what I got from Parker Rice’s apology.

Parker's frat bother, Levi Pettit, also known as Racist Frat Boy Number 2, also apologized. Well, he actually just sent his parents to do it like, “Shiiiiiitttt”, which is totally understandable. When you have all-stars on your team, you go to them at the end of the game. I call it The Fresh Prince Rule. Pass the ball to Will.

Levi's Parents' Words:

As parents of Levi, we love him and care for him deeply. He made a horrible mistake, and will live with the consequences forever. However, we also know the depth of our son's character. He is a good boy, but what we saw in those videos is disgusting. While it may be difficult for those who only know Levi from the video to understand, we know his heart, and he is not a racist. We raised him to be loving and inclusive and we all remain surrounded by a diverse, close-knit group of friends.

We were as shocked and saddened by this news as anyone. Of course, we are sad for our son - but more importantly, we apologize to the community he has hurt. We would also like to apologize to the - entire African-American community, University of Oklahoma student body and administration. Our family has the responsibility to apologize, and also to seek forgiveness and reconciliation. Our words will only go so far - as a family, we commit to following our words with deeds.

To our friends and family, thank you for your kind comments and prayers. They are very comforting in this difficult time.

We ask that the media and public please respect our family's privacy as we come together to heal and determine next steps.

Translation:

“All that money for singing lessons and this is what we get? He knows better. You gotta close your eyes and sing from the diaphragm. Put some real emotion into it. Parker nailed it. Levi choked. So on behalf of our entire family, we apologize to every single black worldwide. We gotta take this L as a team and start fresh in the AM. One band. One sound.”

Stay Black.

P.S. - Dude. Listen. I NEVER expected the response to my first article, 10 Questions About The Racist SAE Video That Need Answers, to be what it is. Seriously, this shit is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S. So thank you to everyone who read and shared that. I’m going to start writing more. I gotta get these jokes out. Now come on, let’s all get a group selfie before the lighting changes.