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Some polite asshole robbed my neighborhood Subway and I wasn’t there to save them…

10:58 AM EST on February 4, 2015


I'm a hero.

If you read this site regularly, that shouldn't be a big surprise. You know I'm courageous, daring, handsome and always looking to help a hot damsel in distress. Unless, of course, that damsel's name is Liz who now lives in Seattle. Screw her. However, if you hail from the Edmond ghetto and are new to the site and are not aware of my heroism, let me give you an example.

A few years ago, I stopped by the Subway near 63rd and N. May for a late morning lunch. When I walked in, the store manager was trying to replace the fluorescent light bulbs hanging over the area where you choose your spongy breadstuff and meat substance. He was standing six feet high in the air, with his left leg on the top of a ladder while his right leg was firmly planted on the thick thermoglass Subway sneeze guard. It was a balancing act that would make Shannon Miller jealous.

When I saw the guy, the first thing that popped in my mind was "Oh shit, he's going to drop dead bugs in the food!" The assistant manager (her name was Sheena) thought this too, so she had little pieces of wax paper lined over all the globs of meat, cheese and vegetables that were harvested in 2008. Little dead bugs weren't going to ruin my alleged meal.

As I watched the guy try to open the light cover to get the bulbs, looking ever so closely for a dead moth or fly to float down to the ground, I heard a snap, then a crack, and the sound of the manager's foot crashing through the sneeze guard. Almost instantly, his left leg slipped off the ladder. He was about to fall head first into the ground and snap his neck. That's when I yelled:

"Never fear, the Amazing Patrick is here!"

I quickly ran underneath the man and braced his fall, pushing him on top of the food prep station before helping him to the ground. It was emotional. A life was saved. Sheena then clapped her hands, cried and ran over and kissed me on the cheek. I gave the manager a brief lecture about ladder safety, and with Sheena in my arms, flew over to Jersey Mike's for a bug- and thermoplastic-free sandwich.

Okay, I may have exaggerated some aspects of the story, but I did save the dude and the Oklahoma Workers Comp System a lot of time and headaches. For the next year or so, I was constantly reminded of my feat of heroism because the Subway owners were too cheap to replace the sneeze guard, so they literally pieced it back together and wrapped the thing in some industrial strength cellophane substance. It was actually a smart move, because you couldn't see what strange substances you were about to eat.

So, where was I going with all this? Oh yeah, someone robbed that very same Subway at gunpoint twice over the past few weeks and I wasn't there to save the day. Unlike those unrealistic comic book movies, heroes in real life can't be everywhere at once. It's not practical.

If you're still reading at this point, check out the KOCO report after the jump...

big subway sandwich

Sorry, I should probably mention that Sheena made me a free super hero sandwich to commemorate the one year anniversary of my act of heroism. It looked like a sandwich they'd use in a commercial. It's good to be the hero.

Anyway, here's the story about the robbery:

A polite robber leaves a tip for a worker she just held up at gunpoint.

Oklahoma City police say they are looking for a woman who has robbed the same northwest Oklahoma City SUBWAY twice in recent weeks, but it is her unusual behavior that has led to police calling her the "Tipping Bandit".

Surveillance footage shows the woman enter the business and pull out a gun, before taking all the money out of the register and taking off. But before leaving, she left a little something behind.

Oklahoma City Police Department Msgt. Gary Knight says the robbery is unusual.

"After getting cash from the till, she actually stopped by the tip jar, dropped a dollar in it, looked at the clerk and said this tip is for you," Knight said.

A police report says the woman sat for almost 20 minutes and went to the bathroom several times before making her move on Jan. 17. Less than two weeks later, on Jan. 28, she was back at the same restaurant to make another move.

"Two separate robberies about a week or so apart, same suspect, same store," Knight said.

The woman didn't tip the second time, but detectives say the woman did say thank you after robbing a different worker at gunpoint.

Uhm, you're supposed to tip Subway employees? I had no clue. I always thought that little jar was there to remind you that you're not supposed to tip them and therefore saving money. I'll start tipping when they either A) come to my table to take my order or B) park my car.

Anyway, I'm suffering from some major hero's remorse here. If I were in the store when this happened, I would have heroically run over to Four Star Fitness and called the police. I then would have gone into the locker room and put on a clean pair of pants. After that, I would have hopped over to Jersey Mike's.

If you know this robber, get some better friends. Then I guess call the police. We need to keep our sandwich artists safe in this town. Gun wielding robbers, whether they're good tippers or not, can't be tolerated.

Thanks for reading!

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