Oh, Edmond. It’s a nice, quiet city, the sort of place you want to raise your kids, far away from the Hustle and Bustle of the city. (Jimmy Hustle and Freddy Bustle being two black guys I work with at Paycom. They’re janitors, of course, and they scare me.)
Yes, Edmond is my proud home, the kind where you never have to ever, ever leave; we've got schools, colleges and an Uptown Market. Why you’d ever want to get away from all this is beyond me and downright criminal—no, seriously, if you leave, we will find you and imprison you, with your fate resting in the hands of a dozen wine-drunk Oak Tree housewives who consider this “giving back to the community.”
It’s that type of broad, forward thinking that gives me absolute pride to present the nine reasons I got nothin’ but love for Edmond.
1. UCO Finally Knocked Down Those Ugly Houses
So, little known Edmond fun fact: the only way many of our citizens can achieve erections for procreation purposes is to raze property owned by the elderly. These homes, passed down from generation to generation, are bulldozed clear to the ground, with the soil additionally salted so as to insure nothing will ever grow there again. To this day, I still cast a knowing eye at UCO, silently thanking them for allowing me to bring Connor and Austin into this world.
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2. $3,000 Senior Proms
For my senior prom, I spent right around $3,000 for my spats, cummerbund, shoes and hair combined. I was promptly made to feel like the King of the Ball when I showed up to the dance and was surrounded by girls in $3,000 dresses who had obviously spent the few extra dollars to make it worth my while. Oh, and our dance was at the Oak Tree Country Club, too, so I was able to get my squash racket that I had accidentally left there earlier in the afternoon.
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3. The Classic “Honda Civic” Prank
My next door neighbors, Walter and Carolyn, pulled the funniest humdinger of a gag on their oldest daughter Ashleigh by telling her that, for her sweet 16, she was getting a Honda Civic! Can you imagine? Like the HOA would even allow something like that in the front yard.
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4. Kickingbird Theater Rocks!
Yeah, maybe the Kickingbird Theater is the only cinema in town, but it was purposefully built on an ancient Native American burial ground. Enjoy the wailing and gnashing of teeth as you try to enjoy the fourth hour of Boyhood.
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5. The Lord Hashtag Blesses Us!
Once, while leaving the Cafe 501 on the ‘vard, I was talking to my friend Lynette and I couldn’t help but notice how snazzy her power-suit looked a she was getting into her Porsche. As she was saying goodbye to me, she ended her conversation about how great she was doing in life by saying “It’s amazing how the Lord provides.” And it’s true. How is it supposed to be our fault the Lord loves Edmond just a little bit more? Giant crosses work, trust us.
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6. People Make the Correct Assumptions About Me.
Yes, I’m from Edmond. And yes, I hunt humans for sport.
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7. The Pills Help Me Concentrate
Think Edmond Schools are great? Well they are and it’s because our kids are so focused. You name it: Adderall, Concerta, Vyvanse, and Ritalin are given out freely from washroom dispensers and via gift-bags thrown into the stands by cheerleaders. And this isn’t the cheap stuff either—generics are for the Southside, Pedro.
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8. Traffic on Santa Fe
Have you ever driven on Santa Fe Avenue? Here in Edmond, we like to take our time getting from point A to point B and don’t mind the extra-long stop lights. Heck, it just gives us a few extra minutes to kick back and enjoy our Pumpkin Spice latte while listening to Hannity stick it to the mud-people.
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9. Katie’s Mom’s House
Who among us doesn’t remember getting together at Katie’s Mom’s house afterschool for some Bagel Bites and a little Swan’s Crossing? Sure, it was only a $150,000 three-bedroom home located in the middle of the Edmond ghetto, but it kept us humble to see how the other half lived.
So…you see? Edmond isn’t a bad place to live, from the safety of our gated communities to our non-stop make your own sundae bar bus that comes into the neighborhood once every 45 minutes. What a wonderful place to grow up. I can’t think of another place in Oklahoma that fosters such right ahead thinking. Except for maybe Deer Creek. Maybe.
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Louis Fowler actually lives in Crown Heights, bitches. Follow him on Twitter at @LouisFowler.
