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You may not want to invite Emily Sutton to your pool party…

11:42 AM EST on December 12, 2014

emily sutton betrayal

When you first read that headline you probably thought I was crazy. Why would you not want to invite Emily Sutton to your pool party? Not only would she probably bring kittens, lollipops, nice sun screen and have her handsome, totally better than you, fireman fiance be a lifeguard, but she could also probably use her burgeoning weather sorceress skills to shield your pool from the rain or move a lazy stray cloud in front of the sun when it gets too hot.

She'd be an awesome pool party guest, right? Not inviting her would be dumber than electing to re-punt the ball to Tyreek Hill in the 4th quarter of a close game as opposed to letting a team with a back-up Freshman quarterback attempt to drive 85 yards with no timeouts for a tying score. Basically, it would be Stoop-id.

But as Dean Blevins would say, don't cum too handy tonight my #friend.

A few weeks back, Emily wrote a lengthy blog post about competing in an Ironman triathlon in Arizona. It was part of a fundraising effort for the Go Mitch Go Foundation. In her post, she shared this little nugget:

After what seemed like forever, I made it to the turnaround.  The current took me closer to the buoys this time instead of in the less-crowded middle. I've found that most men are not graceful swimmers. They would thrash next to me and I had to watch out. Usually I was pretty cognizant, but I did have one dude elbow my eye out of nowhere. Thankfully, it was more like a brush than a hit.  On the way back I had to pee. I didn't want to waste time in the port a potty when I could go right there. However, I've never been able to pee when swimming before because I'm not relaxed when I'm moving! I concentrated though, stopped kicking and eventually I peed while moving my arms. It was one of my proudest moments while swimming! BOOM.

Yep, Emily Sutton will pee in your pool. That's why you don't want to invite her too your pool party. Well, unless your name is Dean Blevins and you're probably into that sort of thing or something.

Ignoring the pee-troversy for a second, let's look at the real disturbing fact in all this. What the fuck is up with someone elbowing Emily Sutton in the eye? I say we hunt this coward down and show him the spirit--the Oklahoma spirit--you can see it in every face and every smile, especially while we're kicking your ass for laying a hand on our severe weather princess. WTF? How's this not national news? I say we start a manhunt, capture the punk, give him an unfair trial and then finish him off with a patented botched Oklahoma execution.

Sorry about that. I'm very protective of Emily Sutton.

Even though you may not want to let Emily swim in your pool, it is totally cool to take her bike riding around Lake Hefner:

Just after passing the Go Mitch Go tent towards the end of the first loop, I stopped at a port o potty because I refuse to pee myself on the bike! I noticed that my rear tire was very low.  I stayed calm and pushed through the denial that I had the worst kind of flat - the REAR TIRE. BOOOOOOOOO.  Thankfully, a volunteer offered to walk me through it. I know how to change a flat but the rear tire is complex because you have to mess with the derailer. Pete happened to be a former bike shop owner and calmly led me through the process. He said if he touched the bike I may be disqualified. He did secretly help me with the derailer though. We finished about 10 minutes later and he told me to stop at another rest stop to use a pump and double check the tire.

However, according to this post about her training regimen, you may want to keep her away from your wheat field.

We snot rocketed, peed in farm fields and looked like dorks - but we became close friends!

Uhm, is Emily Sutton a little too forthcoming with her urinary habits? I know we all pee from time to time, some more than others, but bragging about peeing is almost as weird as writing an entire blog post about someone bragging about peeing. Keep it classy, Emily.

Anyway, I wonder what Lacey Swope and Channel 9 are going to do as a response to all this? I'll bet $20 that Lacey is currently working on a blog post about how she went deer hunting a few weeks ago and peed in a pond to keep the innocent, soon to be killed animals from smelling her scent. She'll also probably share stories about how some other hunter socked her in the eye and how a volunteer helped her replace a flat on her ATV. Trust me, it's going to happen.

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