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6 Possible Capitol Hill High School Mascot Replacements…

10:04 AM EST on December 10, 2014

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Even though for my high school years I went to Northwest Classen and Classen School of Advanced Studies, my heart always lay in Capitol Hill High School, if only for the sheer amount of beautiful girls who attended there.

Let’s face it: the girls in your school are lame, so there’s a real thrill to being introduced to a pal’s cousin named Rita from another school, something that always made band trips and football games the only real reason worth attending. Even though most of the relationships barely lasted beyond a serious make-out sesh under the bleachers, it was always was always a welcomed break from the bland and mundane.

The only reason I bring this non-sequiterial memory up is because CH is part of two recent victories within the Oklahoma City Public Schools thanks to the diligent work of Native American rights activists. The first is the long-time-coming ban on Land Run reenactments in OKC schools and, more specific to this narrative, Capitol Hill High School deciding to do away with their offensive Redskins moniker and mascotry.

And just like the Washington namesake, while many people aren’t happy about it – some students are protesting – I personally feel they’re not looking on the bright side: finally, you get to pick a new name and mascot that truly reflects who you are as a school and as a community! As the Lost Ogle’s resident Chicano slash Native American, I’ve decided to jump into the fray and offer my former wannabe alma mater a handful of suggestions as to where to go from here.

chelinos queso

The Capitol Hill Queso

Who wouldn’t cheer for queso? Hot, spicy, liquidic cheese served with fresh tortilla chips as a gratis app before every South-of-the-Border themed meal is a steadfast Oklahoma staple of Latin cuisine and we should be grateful—most every other state in America charges you for what we take for granted. And with Capitol Hill being home to 99% of the best restaurants in town—Mexican or otherwise—as well as laying the foundations for puro Metro culinary icons like Chelino’s, nothing will get me to stand up and root, root, root for the home team more than if it paid tribute to one of the few things that makes life worth eating.

Welcome_to_Edmond_sign

The Capitol Hill Edmonds

No matter how you slice it, the word “redskin” is a horrific slur, a nickname created by white pioneers who were paid a dime for every Native American scalp they swiped and sold to the proper blood-thirsty authorities. Now, if we were going to be vengeful, perhaps renaming the team with something just as offensive to whites would be in order and because “gabachos” is too espanol a phrase to catch on, let’s keep it in the general vicinity and just go with the Capitol Hill Edmonds. Mascot? A blonde basic bitch standing in line at Target clad in Uggs and yoga pants, holding a pumpkin spice latte in one hand and checking her Pinterest account in the other.

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small business owner

The Capitol Hill Small Business Owners

Few areas are showing as much community growth and commercial support like the Capitol Hill district. Mingling tight-knit family relations with a strong ethic for hard work, the businesses in this area are proudly thriving. Why not go positive for the next generation of minority community leaders? The Capitol Hill Small Business Owners is not only a team, but a definitely scary boogeyman to predominantly white schools where they’re taught on a daily basis that Latinos are taking their jobs. Guess now they’ll be taking your championship titles too, güey.

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video vigilante

The Capitol Hill Vigilantes

While most people look at some middle-aged quasi-albino walking around school parking lots with a video camera as a fearsome figure worthy of a thousand show-me-on-the-doll-where-the-man-touched-yous, to the self-styled Video Vigilante, Brian Bates, it’s all in a day’s work. Like a real-life Aquaman (and twice as useless), Bates cruises the Capitol Hill area, looking for innocent sex workers just trying to make a living in an unfair system where the cards were stacked against them from birth and exploit it for the saddest form of fame on class-act  shows like Maury. As a tribute to this ineffective dork knight, the Capitol Hill Video Vigilantes could take to the field, ripping apart a massive homemade banner that reads “You’re Busted, Buddy!” to the delight of probably no one.

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Swisher-Sweets

The Capitol Hill Swisher Sweets

There’s nothing quite like a fine, plastic-tipped grape-flavored cigarillo, and no one makes them with an eye for quality like the good folks at Swisher Sweets. But two for a dollar—sorry, my name ain’t Juan D.  Rockefeller. If there’s one thing that I like about the convenience stores in the CH—besides the fact they still have payphones and sell miniature roses in slim glass tubes—it’s that I can always buy loosey cigs and cigars for about a quarter each, which is something that can’t really be said for most other lame-wad districts. Make it a point of awkward pride and sponsor the team, convenience store owners. And please pass me that dusty discounted three-pack of Club Internationals from 1996 as well.

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christina-fallin

The Capitol Hill Beautiful Things

Who doesn't like to adorn themselves in our beautiful things?

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Louis Fowler is a local freelance writer and food expert. If your name is Rita, please follow him and let him know if you decided to keep the baby. @LouisFowler

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