I once thought it would be pretty sweet to be a dog. You'd have a super sense of smell, be able to lick yourself and poop practically anywhere without the threat of being put on some weird sex-offender list. The benefits are endless.
But being a dog in Oklahoma also has its downsides. You just need to watch the local news to figure that out. It seems like you can't go a day without seeing some heartbreaking story about a dog being abused by some asshole.
In addition to sensational stories of abuse highlighted by the media, there are other reasons why it would suck to be a dog in Oklahoma. Here are 10 of them:
1.) Your remains are only worth $5, and that's only if you have all your teeth.
The city of Duncan sells their euthanized dogs and cats to science. The city receives $5 for an adult dog, as long as it has all its teeth. The money goes into the city's general fund, so if you live in Duncan and want to raise some money for the city, don't spay or neuter your pets.
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2.) You could be forced to live next to the Purina Plant in Edmond.
I'm sure it's great to be a dog in Edmond, except for the fact that you would have to smell the Purina plant making delicious smelling dog food all day. That would be like being stuck in a prison that was next to a Krispy Kreme.
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3.) The University of Oklahoma could electrocute you as a form of euthanasia...
OU recently got into some trouble for electrocuting dogs and mistreating monkeys. From the OU Daily:
The USDA cited OU for failure to provide pain relief to several animals while experimenting, failure to provide adequate veterinary care, improper sanitation and improper treatment of psychologically disturbed monkeys...
Prior to the violations on the June 3 inspection, USDA reported in August 2013 that the lab used electrocution as a euthanization method for dogs in their labs.
C'mon OU, did you learn nothing from Rise of the Planet of the Apes? You gotta be nice to monkeys... and dogs, too.
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4.) Mary Fallin could be your owner.
This doesn't seem so terrible, until you realize the fact that Mary Fallin is just raising this dog to turn it into a fur coat. Actually, I think she got a dog so she would have someone to blame her farts on.
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5.) The Humane Shelter in Stillwater will try to kill you.
Stillwater's Humane Shelter recently had a cinderblock wall fall on one of their employees. She survived with no serious injuries, but being killed by a wall isn't very humane. Thankfully it only landed on a person, and no dogs were injured.
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6.) You can't take off your coat.
Oklahoma can be f-ing hot in the summer. It must really suck to be stuck in Oklahoma wearing a damn coat. If your dog has diarrhea or is vomiting, he could be having a heat stroke, or he might have just eaten some of your cooking. Sometimes your cooking sucks. I'm sorry.
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7.) You have to pretend to like Wayne Coyne.
We like to give Wayne Coyne a hard time, but at least he donates some of his money to the Bella Foundation. Because of that, dogs have to like him.
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8.) Arrows.
A family in Blanchard came home one day to find someone had shot their dog with arrows. Remember what I said earlier about people being assholes? The dog survived. The person who shot the dog is still out there being a sociopath.
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9.) Going to the Dog Park
Do you like to take your dog to the dog park? Well, at least you like it. Your dog is probably terrified. If you were a pet, would you want to go to human park with a bunch of naked humans of all sizes you've never met? Probably not.
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10.) You're not a wolf.
Being a dog is probably pretty awesome, you get fangs that are worth at least $5, a tail, great hearing and a great sense of smell... until you see a wolf. How bad would it suck to be a Chihuahua, and see your cousin who is 120lbs, totally ripped and survives by killing? That's like me being me, except my cousin is Adrian Peterson. Sure you're related, but no one gives a shit. It would be frustrating, is all I'm saying.
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As you can see, it would suck to be some of these dogs in Oklahoma. If you have dogs, take care of them. They've been bred to be our friends. The least you could do is be a friend to them. If you need a friend online, you can find me on Twitter, @SpencerLenox.
