8 ways to improve the Turner Turnpike
8:30 AM EDT on July 23, 2014
Every once in a while, you have to go to Tulsa.
It’s not a bad place, per se. Cain’s is a great venue, and there are some neat things that happen there. I mean, it’s no Oklahoma City, but it’s not a bad place. The drive there, however, is the worst. I’m not sure why a drive that’s approximately 2 hours can seem so painful, but each and every time to make it, you swear off the northeast part of the state for good, only to return because, well, you have to.
But what if that drive didn’t suck so hard? What if those two lanes were less like torture, and more like a vacation? That’s why I bring to you a list of 9 things to improve the Turner Turnpike. Lord knows all the money we spend on the tolls should be going to something. Why not improvements?
8. High speed rail
This improvement involves getting rid of the turnpike all together. If I could hop in a train and take that to Tulsa instead of having to drive there, I would be one happy peach. I may even go to Tulsa more often if that were an option. I can almost guarantee that this train would do more business than the Heartland Flyer.
7. More vaginas
Speaking from experience, one is never enough.
6. More Amishy Quaker sorts of folks
Once these Amishy Quaker sorts of folks were at the McDonald’s on the eastbound side of the turnpike, and they were ordering McFlurries. Only, when they said it, it was “mac flur egh”. This is easily one of the top ten moments of my life, and I could totally be in a good mood while driving to Tulsa if I got to hear Amishy Quaker sorts of folks say totally made up food items from fast food menus. I mean, I would totally die to hear one of them order a Quesarito.
5. Arbuckle Wilderness-style animal feeding
Would you be road raging super hard if you could feed giraffes all the way to Tulsa? No. No you wouldn’t.
4. More restrooms at gas stations that play weather radio
You know when you stop to use the restroom at that gas station on the turnpike, and there is always some weather radio noise playing? Well, what if we had more restrooms along the way that did that so there wasn’t always a line? Sure, a normal adult who was potty trained can probably hold it and shouldn’t need to stop every few miles. But can you honestly look me in the eye and say that you’ve never wished for more restrooms along that route?
3. More food options
As long as we’re going to add restrooms, they may as well be located in restaurants that aren’t McDonald’s. No one is happy when they have to choose between McNuggets or beef jerky from a gas station. And yeah, I know it’s only a 2-hour or so drive and you could totally not stop for a snack, but I don’t want to live in a world where one of my options is “to not eat.”
2. No more construction zones
So you’re barreling down the turnpike at a fast clip, when all the sudden the left lane is closing and you have to get behind a semi and wade through a construction zone of cones (where no one is actually doing any construction, by the way) and go crazy slow for like 10 miles. And then, you finally get out of the construction zone only to encounter another just a couple of miles down the way. Seriously, how is there always construction. Between the work zones on the Turner Turnpike and the work zones on I-35, you’d think that every road worker in the state was currently employed and earning all potential overtime.
1. Raise the speed limit to 90
Let’s be honest. You’re already going that fast anyway.
Marisa has been writing for The Lost Ogle longer than she has ever held a real job. Follow her on Twitter @GentleMarisa.