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Apparently, we’re not the only ones who like taking jabs at Hobby Lobby

9:00 AM EDT on July 3, 2014


Expect to see a lot of corporations at church on Sunday.

The US Supreme Court ruled in favor of Hobby Lobby earlier this week in the company's lawsuit against the government. As a result, the company doesn't have to cover abortion-inducing drugs that technically don't induce abortions on employee health plans, and more importantly, the Green family can get back to focusing 100% on sneaking Bible curriculum into public schools.

The court's controversial 5-4 decision was ridiculous, irrational and opens up a huge can of worms. Essentially, the court ruled that 90% of all corporations – which at last check are not human beings and are simply expense pieces of paperwork created to protect people from liability and make as much money as possible – have the same religious protections under the law as regular old people like you and me.

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg summed up the ruling in her strongly worded dissent:

“In a decision of startling breadth, the court holds that commercial enterprises, including corporations, along with partnerships and sole proprietorships, can opt out of any law (saving only tax laws) they judge incompatible with their sincerely held religious beliefs."

As the owner of closely held corporation, that actually sounds cool! I guess I should probably plan ahead and declare my sincere religious belief that all secretaries need large breasts. It's part of my new spiritual belief system called the Gospel of Dean Blevins. I'm just throwing it out there in case we get big and need to hire a staff some day.

Anyway, the goofy SCOTUS decision really ticked off the liberal national media. In fact, it made them so mad that they read my mind and stole one of my post ideas.

Yeah, about that. After trivia on Tuesday night, I thought it would be fun to list some Hobby Lobby products that could double as contraception for Hobby Lobby employees. I got all excited and texted some friends, contributors and Moles for ideas, and figured I'd publish it today. I had everything revving to go and then somebody sent me this:

Cheap and Safe Birth Control Alternatives From Hobby Lobby

Yesterday, craft chain-store Hobby Lobby won the right to make its female employees pay out of pocket for IUDs and Plan B if they want them. The store’s evangelical Christian owners believe these contraceptives are the same thing as abortions (they’re not), which are against their religious beliefs. The court found these beliefs to be “sincerely held,” but I can think of another reason a craft store might oppose birth control: Non-procreative sex is the enemy of crafting. Who would latch hook if they could be having sex? And Hobby Lobby’s mainstays — sewing, crotchet, knitting, scrapbooking — are all the province of nesting breeders and virgins. (My tenth-grade scarf collection is a testament to this fact.) In fact, many of the knickknacks and craft projects for sale at Hobby Lobby double as a kind of contraceptive: guaranteed not to get you laid.

Damnit, national media! We're so used to competing with the Digital Desk and KFOR Social Media Bandits that we've never had to worry about some other place snatching up one of our insanely brilliant post ideas. I guess the next time an Oklahoma company sues the government in a high profile, controversial lawsuit that reaches the Supreme Court, I'll be sure to act faster.

Although they didn't mention anything about wooden dowels, styrofoam balls, or Scotch tape, the New York Magazine article is pretty good. The only thing they left out was this erection killing classic:

hobby lobby david green

Yeah, I'd say forcing your corporation's religious views down your employees' throats is "more than a hobby," too, asshole.

Anyway, that's Hobby Lobby founder David Green's autobiography. It's real popular in the religious corporation circles. The next time you see a corporation at church, give them a copy.

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