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Emily Sutton is engagdkfjalkfjfawfgsdf

8:30 AM EDT on June 26, 2014

emily sutton's serious boyfriend

Ring the bell. Blow the horn. Set off the tornado sirens. Emily Sutton is engaged.

Let me repeat that with annoying periods for added emphasis. Emily. Sutton. Is. (Sigh). Engaged. And yes, it's to Johnny Push-Up Hero Fireman Michael.

We learned the news last night when Emily blasted the announcement out like a microburst across every social media platform known to man. I think she even updated her GeoCities website.

Like engaged women tend to do, she included pics of the ring that's not nearly as expensive as the one I would have bought her. Take a look:

emily sutton betrayal

Okay, that's not the ring. It's actually a pic of Emily making the most unflattering pose possible while standing in a portable toilet. I think it's from the time she auditioned to be Honey Boo Boo's meteorologist. As part of an intensive therapy session recommended by my therapist, I'm going to make a Fathead of the image, place it in a center room on the lowest level of my house, and yell "Head South! Head South!" every time I walk by it.

Here's the pic of the actual ring:

emily sutton_KFOR

Okay, that's Emily Sutton from back when she looked like her name should be Rudy. Kafka would be amazed by how much she's changed.


Sorry. I felt the need to post "Black" by Pearl Jam. I've listened to that song about 500 times tonight. In fact, Spotify just played an ad that asked "Are you sure you want to hear this song again, Patrick?" These angsty lyrics totally describe how I feel:

I know someday you'll have a beautiful life,
I know you'll be a sun in somebody else's sky,
But why, why, why can't it be, can't it be mine?

Aah... uuh..

Too doo doo too, too doo doo

When I sing it, I replace "sun" with "High pressure system." While we're posting depressing stuff, here's this:

Hey, it's James Harden making the huge three point shot against the Spurs in Game 5 of the 2012 NBA Finals. Remember that guy? He was pretty good. I'm glad we (SARCASM SARCASM SARCASM) traded him.

Anyway, what are we doing here again?

Don't do it Emily

That's brutal. Looking at that pic gives me more anxiety than reading Wed MD at 3:00am. Does Mikey want to swing by my house and kick my dog? Maybe we can have him plant crab grass on my lawn.

Anyway, congrats to Emily and Mikey for shattering our dreams on the engagement. I hope they have a child and that it's a masculine child. Now I'm going to get back to listening to Black.

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