One of the most heated races in today's election is the Republican primary for the 5th Congressional District. It's the seat that's being vacated by "Ginger Fierce" James Lankford. With a crowded, diverse field, we're likely going to have a runoff, but I thought we should still review the candidates and give our highly sought-after, meaningful endorsement.
First of all, let's take a look at the people would don't deserve your vote. The choices are:
Patrice Douglas Chamber of Commerce / Republican Party Establishment
Patrice is the candidate that oil companies, wealthy housewives from Edmond and really bad photographers want to see win the race. Her biggest accomplishments are being elected mayor of Edmond and having her friend, Mary Fallin, appoint her to the Corporation Commission.
Clark Jolley Chamber of Commerce / Republican Party Establishment
The 5th Congressional District covers most of Edmond, so it shouldn't be a surprise that we have two Chamber of Commerce Establishment Republicans from Edmond seeking this seat. Clark was one of the first, and only, Republican representatives to follow us on Twitter. He also apparently name dropped The Lost Ogle in a PowerPoint presentation about social media to state employees. Yep, he's the Dan Gordon of Oklahoma politics.
Shane Jett Who Am I? Why am I here?
The Admiral James Stockdale of the race, Shane Jett ran for this seat in 2010, was soundly defeated, stepped away from politics for four years and is now ready to be soundly defeated again. His claim to fame is proposing that the state build a $100 million, 1,100 foot tall, stainless steel-ensconced oil derrick equipped with water cannons over the Oklahoma River. And no, as the video above shows, I'm not making that up.
Steve Russell Gun Nut
Steve Russell is a decorated war veteran who led the battalion that captured Saddam Hussein. That's pretty cool. He also claims Iraq was developing WMDs and masturbates daily to Gun World Magazine.
Mike Turner The Spoiled Rich Kid / Eye Booger Eater
If you vote for Mike Turner tomorrow, you're either:
A) Really dumb. B) Just trying to piss us off. C) Anti solar energy. D) Mike Turner's parents.
Considering primaries generally have a low turnout, that means he'll probably win.
There's one candidate left to review, and he's the one getting our endorsement for the Oklahoma 5th Congressional District. His name is:
Harvey Sparks Baptist Church Minster / Ex. Jim Bridenstine Staffer
Okay, I know what you're thinking. Why the fuck is Patrick endorsing a Baptist Church Minister for US Congress? That would be like Red Dirt Report endorsing Mick Cornett for Mayor. If it makes you feel better, Harvey Sparks is probably thinking the same thing, only without the bad word.
The reason Harvey gets our endorsement is pretty simple. Back when I was a sophomore or junior in high school, my friend Josh walked up to me one day and we had a conversation like this:
"Hey, this guy Harvey in one of my classes needs players for his church basketball team. Want to play?"
"Sure. How much does it cost."
"It's free. You just have to go to church on Wednesday or Sunday."
A few weeks later, I became a temporary member of West 10th Street Baptist Church and a key 9th man on their basketball team. Although my stats mimicked those of Skip Bayless, my one shining moment, no shit, was taking a charge on a 3-1 fast break, and then proceeding to make one of two free throws. Nick Collison would be proud.
I remember a lot about that crazy church, our weird coach and the creepy youth pastor who told me all Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, etc. were going to Hell, but I honestly don't remember too much about Harvey. I knew his sister Summer, and I think he broke his leg or something during the season, but that's about it. However, one thing I do know is that if we're going to have some right wing freak in congress, it would kind of be cool if I once knew the guy.