Calling all eye booger eaters! Mike Turner has issued a commercial casting call.
9:00 AM EDT on May 22, 2014
Eye booger eater Mike Turner is putting his wealth to use and making a TV commercial for his 5th Congressional District Campaign. We know this because an Ogle Mole sent us the casting call.
Here are the details:
People Needed Friday for Political Commercial in OKC - No Auditions
MIKE TURNER FOR CONGRESS
OK Markets Only - Election Season (2 weeks - 6 months)
Pay Rate: $150 flat
They really think this commercial will air for up to 6 months? That's a bit ambitious, isn't it? There's no way Oklahoma voters will choose a 27-year-old spoiled, entitled, ultra-rich kid who's never had to have a real job, support himself, or worry about missing rent or a credit card payment to represent them in congress, right? They'd choose someone with life experience who understands the people he's representing.
Actually, that's wrong. According to this News 9 poll, eye booger eater has a chance to make a runoff. That's how awful the GOP field is for the 5th congressional district. With all the damn Republicans in this state, you'd think they could find at least one guy who ran a church camp or something.
So, what roles are they looking to fill for this campaign spot?
BREAKDOWN OF ROLES
FATCATS - Males, 30s-60s. Any ethnicity. Two bloated, red-faced, money-spending, over-indulgent men.
CANDIDATE - Female, 40s-50s. Professional, clean, good commercial look. She is running for a public office.
Fat cats, huh? And not just any fat cat, but ones of the bloated, red-faced, money-spending, over-indulgent, probably going to play government employees variety. Instead of having a casting call, they should just go to Juniors or Mickey Mantle on a Friday night. They'll find plenty of people who fit the mold.
If that doesn't work, they should just call one of these guys:
Regular Jim Traber and Fat Jack
If the commercial takes a gay tone, this would work out since Traber and Fat Jack don't mind kissing each other.
Harold Hamm and Larry Nichols
I'm not sure if they're bloated, but Harold Hamm's hair sure is.
Jack and Ron
This is only if Turner's goal with the ad is to make people not laugh.
In addition to the fat cats, the casting agency needs "a Female, 40s-50s. Professional, clean, good commercial look. She is running for a public office." Uhm, what exactly are they filming again? This commercial is starting to sound like the plot to either a really bad porno or a new CBS sitcom.
This is who should audition for the female role:
Hey, it's Patrice Douglas! Even though she fits all the casting requirements, she's also running for the 5th Congressional District. That's probably a conflict of interest. Since that's the case, I'd suggest:
Hey, it's Oklahoma B-movie baby and former (?) escort of the stars Valerie Baber! She looks sophisticated enough and will definitely get the attention of male viewers. If she's unavailable, I'd go with:
Serious Meg Alexander
When you exclude performing the Star Spangled Banner, Meg is a talented individual who can do anything. Plus, she kind of looks like the stereotypical 5th District Republican wife.
Anyway, I'm kind of looking forward to this ad. I wonder if it's going to be serious, absurd or totally negative. Maybe it will be all three. If you want to audition, here's the info:
-Send the email to Submissions@ FreihoferCasting.com (If you do not send to the email address listed, your submission will not be seen)
-If you are selected to appear in this project, you will be notified by email and/or phone call as soon as decisions are made.
-Submissions must be received NO LATER than 12 pm Thursday, May 22.
ABSOLUTELY NO PHONE CALLS!
For being such an asshole with the "ABSOLUTELY NO PHONE CALLS!" line, here's their phone number: 405.203.1999. Call today.
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