Each Tuesday from here to election day, we're going to break down some of the June 25th primary races. We start with House District 88.
The Democratic race for House District 88 is probably the most exciting Oklahoma City primary in the upcoming election. This is for a couple of reasons.
The first is that the winner will run unopposed in the general election. Yes, a state so red it drips blood into Texas couldn't find one rich lawyer or doctor from Crown Heights to run for a seat in one of Oklahoma City's few liberal house districts. Come on, Republicans! I know you already dominate the state and that the outcome of this race really doesn't matter, but at least act like you care and give us another spoiled eye booger eater.
Second, we have four candidates with diverse backgrounds who have all probably partied with Ed Shadid in a hot tub vying for the seat. They include a:
• Transgendered former Oklahoma City police officer
• Self-proclaimed political activist and pothead
• Gay nightclub owner
• Nazarene church minister / oil and gas executive
That's a pretty diverse field. In fact, it's so diverse that you can put their images in a lineup like I did above and not really tell who's the transgendered ex street cop.
Since we have a lot of readers who are upper middle class homeowners with disposable incomes who live in HD 88 and vote and pay attention to internet ads, I thought it would make fun breakdown the candidates and give our endorsement after the jump.
The candidates are...
Mark Faulk
Pothead, Activist, Filmmaker, Artist
There are some things I like about Mark Faulk. He's leading the effort to decriminalize marijuana in Oklahoma City, which means he probably owns a Volcano and knows a good way to make pot butter. Plus, he wears Mr. Rogers' old cardigan sweaters. Cool, huh?
However, there are some things about Mark that concern me. He was one of the big opponents of the tax extension to upgrade the Ford Center / Oklahoma City Arena / Chesapeake Arena. That's an egg on his face. He also seems a little bit too eager to call himself an "activist." Seriously, every other post on his website is about activism. It makes you wonder if he's doing all this in the name of activism, or just so he can tell people at the Red Rooster that he's an activist.
Of course, if he gets pot decriminalized I can live with all that. The one thing I'm having a real problem with is one of the two items for sale in his online store. Check it out:
Yes, that's real. Mark Faulk's personal website is the only place you can buy former Color Me Badd frontman Bryan Abrams' "personal and innovative" work "Welcome To Me." My favorite songs are "Wife Beatin' Blues," "Gimme S'mores" and his interpretation of the Hibdon - Tires Plus jingle.
Seriously, what exactly is Mark an activist for? Bad music?
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John Gibbons
Businessman / Gay Cabaret, Dinner Theater and Nightclub Owner
In addition to "having a little captain in him," John Gibbons is the owner of The Boom. If you don't know what that is, it's one of the more popular gay clubs in Oklahoma City. Or as Sally Kern likes to call it, "Oklahoma City Terrorist Cell #44390."
In the 1980s, "young warrior" John ran for (and lost) a house district in the 1980s as Republican. I don't really blame him for switching parties. In fact, I think it's a Republican party bylaw that all gay nightclub owners have to either register as Democrats or convert their operation into a Bed and Breakfast.
John's also pissed off enough people that someone has created an anti-John Gibbons website on Wordpress. Apparently. John is normal and doesn't like to pay taxes. I guess he still has some Republican in him.
The biggest red flag for John is that he uses 20 different fonts on the Boom website, including Comic Sans.
Uhm, I thought homosexual men were supposed to be fashionable and have style? That's why they shop at Old Navy, right? Of course, maybe I'm being too hard on John. Maybe font vomit is part of The Boom's style guide. I'm sure the graphics on his campaign materials look fine. I doubt he uses cheesy bevels, drop shadows and other Photoshop effects from the 1990s on his campaign materials.
Okay. Well. Nevermind.
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Jason Dunnington
Nazarene Minister / Safe Establishment Candidate
This is the safe candidate the Oklahoma Democratic Party wants you to vote for. When you look at how successful the Democratic Party is in this state, why would you not want to follow their lead? (SARCASM)
When he's not making a move on Emily Virgin, Jason's a former Nazarene minister, college professor, and comes from a family involved in oil and gas (a.k.a. has money). When Jason runs for this seat again in 30 years as a Republican, I hope he uses better fonts on his Bed and Breakfast website.
In all honesty, I'm not sure I trust Jason. Not only does he look like he sells phones at the mall, but he has some strange fetish where he knocks on doors and demands unsuspecting women to hold his picture and take a selfies with him:
Yeah, that's almost as creepy as his modern Kelly Ogle haircut.
Also, I can't ignore two things about Jason:
1. He works in oil and natural gas. Don't they have enough influence already? Can't we find someone who doesn't want to give them lucrative tax breaks?
2. He's a former Nazarene minister. Listen, I have nothing against the Nazarene people, their faith, or their lifestyle that bans dancing. I grew up near Bethany, graduated from Putnam City West High School in Bethany, and married a girl from Bethany who went to Bethany First Church of the Nazarene in Bethany. Hell, my parents even live in Brownsville, which is the Nichols Hills of the Nazarene. Basically, I'm an honorary Nazarene, and once again, I have no problem with them.
My concern is that Nazarene ministers may be the most boring people alive. They find the color wheel to be too risqué. Even the congregation at Council Road Baptist Church thinks they're squares. We need to get someone fun in office. Which leads to...
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Paula Sophia
Poet, Writer, Transgendered Ex-Police Officer
Paula Sophia is an ex-Oklahoma City police cop turned slam poet. She also writes for Red Dirt Report. Here's a clip of Paula reciting poetry at the Enid Pride Festival that was sponsored by Gary's Chicarros.
In addition to coming up with words that rhyme, Paula is transgendered. That means she got to pick her own name. Outside of feeling comfortable using a uni-sex bathroom, that's probably the biggest advantage to being a transgendered.
When she's not busy campaigning or striking her own Captain Morgan pose, Paula likes to reenact scenes from Reservoir Dogs in the Paseo:
Things didn't go very well later on that day. While they were in the middle of robbing the Frozen Yogurt shop, Mrs. Blonde (far right) lost her cool and all hell broke lose.
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Anyway, that's it for our House District 88 overview. I guess our endorsement is for Paula Sophia. Since a Democrat in the state house is essentially a powerless position, we might as well elect a contrarian beat poet who symbolizes and marks some sort of social change and acceptance in this state. Plus, maybe she'll give Sally Kern an erection. That would be awesome.
