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Oklahoma Earthquake Survival Guide…

By Tony

8:30 AM EST on November 14, 2013

As you know, the Oklahoma City area has seen a record number of earthquakes over the past few weeks. Because TLO cares, we put together a brief survival guide to help you deal with things the next time the earth shakes in the Sooner state.

Check it out:

1a. Rush to Facebook and Twitter to make sure everyone knows you felt the earthquake, too

You don't want everyone to think you're one of those losers who didn't feel the earthquake, do you? No, you do not. Make sure the first thing you do is get your social media and make sure everyone is aware that you, also, felt it. If you did not feel the earthquake, lie and pretend that you did.

However, it's important you don't sound too excited about the earthquake. Make sure your tweet is nonchalant enough that everyone knows you're too cool for earthquake hysteria.


1b. Rush to Facebook and Twitter and complain that you didn't feel the earthquake...

Have you not felt any of the recent earthquakes? You're probably not alone. If you want to feel the sensation, just stand by your sink and turn on the garbage disposal for a few seconds.


2. Use the word "fracking" in a conversation

No discussion of earthquakes in Oklahoma is complete without people arguing about fracking. It really doesn't matter what your opinion is or if you have any clue what you're talking about. Just choose a side and argue it forcefully.


3. Come up with your own conspiracy theory about why the earthquakes are happening

Channel 9 did this recently when they blamed the earthquakes on the water levels of Lake Arcadia. The theory was that since the earthquakes are in the general vicinity of Lake Arcadia, and that the lake's water levels have recently changed, that the two events are obviously related. It should be noted that this theory was originally pitched by the Corporation Commissioner Dana Murphy, who likely gets a lot of campaign contributions from the natural gas energy. Just saying...

Anyway, I know what you're thinking: it sucks that all the reasonable alternative theories are taken. We're all stuck blaming the earthquakes on everyone at Pop's flushing the toilet at the same time or vortexes opening up inside the Round Barn.


4. Drive South

Especially if they say the earthquake is a grinder.


5. Stop, Drop, and Roll

Wait. No. That's what to do in the event of a fire. We're gonna have to come up with another good phrase for earthquakes. Stop, Drop, and Smoke a Bowl? How does that sound? I feel like that would help.


6. Buy earthquake insurance?

Since this whole wave of earthquakes has started, the insurance industry has been flooding the media trying to pressure people to buy their product. Insurance Commissioner John Doak issued a report telling people to buy earthquake insurance. And some guy in Edmond sent out the world's lamest group text, confusing people into thinking they had to buy earthquake insurance to have any coverage at all on their house. I'm not gonna lie, I have no idea if earthquake insurance is a good idea or not, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say that just taking the insurance industry's word for it is probably not a great idea.


7. Make sure any damage to your house is repaired

Always important. If your siding, roofing, or windows are damaged, TLO endorses Terrell's, because as their commercials says, they are not a socialist siding company.


Join us next week when we present TLO's guide to Haboob Surivival.

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