46 Reasons Why Oklahoma is F*cking Awesome (Part I)
3:16 PM EDT on July 1, 2013
On May 21st, the day after the F5 tornado struck Moore, the clickable list-orgy website BuzzFeed published a tally of the 45 Best Things About Oklahoma. The post served as a nice little tribute and pick-me-up to our city and state as we were going through a difficult time.
Despite their best intentions, the list felt like it was compiled by BuzzFeed staffers who spent 30 minutes combing through the Oklahoma Wikpedia page, performing a couple of Google searches, and talking to their buddy from high school that went to college here. That probably explains the appearances of things like this:
Ahh yes, who can't remember the first time they witnessed one of Oklahoma's several waterfalls.
Braum's crinkle-cut fries
Wait a second. People actually like these things? I always thought they tasted like the Ore-Ida fries your mom would bake in the oven.
Uhm, Oklahoma is home to something like 500 Miss America's and you focus on the hot piece of Miss USA Runner-up plastic known as Morgan Woolard? Whatever.
Despite those misses, the biggest problem is how BuzzFeed stopped at 45 items. Uhm, Hellooooooo?!? Oklahoma is the 46th state! If they would have run the list by anyone with Oklahoma ties, they would have known that.
Anyway, with this being a holiday week and everything, we decided it would be fun to compile our own list of 46 Reasons Why Oklahoma is F*cking Awesome. It's probably worst than the BuzzFeed list, but at least it was compiled by people who were born here, live here and will likely die here.
1. 49th Best Roads and Bridges in the Country
One common complaint by Non-Oklahomans and Oklahomans alike is that our state has the worst roads in bridges in the United States. That's no longer true. According to this CNN report, we recently jumped ahead of Pennsylvania and are now home the country's 49th best roads and bridges. That's progress. Watch out Rhode Island, we're coming after you.
This Vietnamese noodle soup is Pho' king everywhere in Oklahoma City and it's awesome. It's so good that some dude from the New York Times drove all the way down here just to try it. If you get the courage to try the P48 with tendon and tongue and tripe, bonus points to you.
3. Sally Kern gets diarrhea here
Originally, this item was going to be "Sally Kern Is Probably Going To Die Here," but I figured that would be too morbid. Instead, let's focus on something more positive. Whenever Sally Kern gets diarrhea, it probably happens here in the Sooner state! Think about how awesome that is the next time she compares gays to terrorists or claims black people are not hard workers.
4. The "If Celebrities Moved To Oklahoma" meme
You have to be able to laugh at yourself, right?
5. Half of our state is allowed to have QuickTrips!
Instead of being negative and reminding everyone that Quick Trip, an Oklahoma company, is not allowed to be in OKC due to a handshake agreement, let's rejoice that we even have them. Plus, it makes visiting Tulsa worthwhile.
6. Gary England
Most states have weathermen, we have a full-blown weather deity. We also have a court jester that wears a bedazzled tie.
7. Country Music Stars
Country music may be the worst form of entertainment ever conceived, but we sure are awesome at exploiting it. According to Charles Barkley, Oklahoma is home to more country music stars than black people. In fact, we have more miles of country music stars in Oklahoma than the coastline of the contiguous Unites States combined! Wait. I think I got my weird Oklahoma facts mixed up.
8. Cool viral video stars with cool catch phrases
Aint' nobody got time for that!
I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm a man. I'm 40!
And by the way, our viral video stars don't kill people or eat at McDonald's.
9. Two weeks of great weather each year!
Some states have to deal with either sweltering heat or frigid cold. We get both! And when it's not too hot or not too cold, we're treated to insane wind, rain and deadly storms. When you add it all together, we get about 10 - 14 days of nice weather a year. Awesome, huh?
10. Our state is shaped like a meat cleaver, and not a flaccid penis like Florida.
Oklahoma may be a Tea Party mecca, but we're not afraid to tax ourselves in order to build things we need (arenas, ball parks, libraries, schools, canals) and things we don't need (convention centers, senior aquatic centers, canals).
One time a relative was in town visiting and asked me "Why are you all so obsessed with bricks?" I really didn't have a good answer, so I told him members of the Acme family moved here as part of the land run in 1889 with hopes of building America's first 100% brick city. Seemed like a good, plausible reason. Plus, it's a lot more fun than saying "I don't really know. I think we just had a lot bricks and need to market them."
13. We have a massive inferiority complex
If you're from another state and think you're better than us, don't worry, we're totally aware. In fact, we are used to it. We know that everyone in every state thinks they're better and smarter than us. That's why we're so determined to prove you wrong, and get overly-exciting when things like a Whole Foods or Cheesecake Factory opens up in town.
14. We still get to look down upon Arkansas and Mississippi
And possibly West Virginia.
15. James Garner (a.k.a. Jim Rockford) is from here
I'm going to try to avoid listing too many individuals on this list, but outside of Will Rogers and Gary England, James Garner may be the coolest Oklahoman to ever live. That's partly because he played the role of P.I. Jim Rockford, one of the coolest TV characters that was ever created.
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