For several years now, the Oklahoman has used the semi-delusional, possibly tongue-in-cheek phrase "The State's Most Trusted News" as their official slogan. Now it looks like they have a semi-delusional, possibly tongue-in-cheek "purpose statement" to go with it.
Yesterday, OPUBCO emailed employees a new cheesy corporate mission statement that the company has crafted. According to Ogle Moles who work at the paper, it will soon be printed each day in the Oklahoman to remind everyone from Beaver to Idabel and everywhere in between how truly awesome and important "the state's most trusted news" is to our daily lives.
Not surprisingly, the purpose statement reads like something that was created during a breakout session from an OPUBCO executive ropes seminar. Check it out:
OPUBCO’s Purpose Statement
Amid an ever changing world, one uplifted by achievement yet rife with disappointment, we create a brand new suite of products every day with an overriding principle in mind: We are Oklahomans. Our goal is to help make our state a better place to live, work and raise a family.
We strive to create real value for our customers and advertisers by:
1. Serving as the fabric of our communities and their various interests.
2. Ensuring a voice for those who need one.
3. Safeguarding our fellow citizens by exposing corruption and injustice.
4. Providing valuable results for our advertisers.
5. Fostering communities of well-informed citizens.
6. Promoting opportunities for fun and interaction.
7. Helping lead change when change is needed.
This is our commitment to you, and ourselves.
That's amazing. I'm going to sleep better tonight knowing OPUBCO is going to make our state a better place to live, work and raise a family. That just sounds awesome.
My only problem with the mission statement is that it seemed a little bit bland. It also made my B.S. meter blow up like dark storms on the dry line. I made some edits to it to make it a little more factual and accurate. Here's our version of the OPUBCO purpose statement:
OPUBCO’s Badass Purpose Statement
Amid an ever changing world, one uplifted by achievement yet rife with disappointment especially after reading our paper, we create a brand new suite of products every day with an overriding principle in mind: We are Oklahomans...that are owned by an out-of-state right wing conglomerate based in Denver. Our goal is to help make our state a better place to live, work and raise a family for conservatives and the wealthy.
We strive to create real value for our customers and advertisers by:
1. Serving as the fabric of our communities and their various interests. The fabric, in case you care, is a poly/cotton blend.
2. Ensuring a voice for those who need one (as long as the voice conforms with our opinions and values).
3. Safeguarding our fellow citizens by exposing corruption and injustice, except when it has to do with an OPUBCO employee who is allegedly caught taking upskirt photos at a high school graduation for a tornado ravaged town. Then all bets are off.
4. Providing valuable results for our advertisers, because lets be honest, who doesn't still read the newspaper.
5. Fostering communities of well-informed citizens who also agree that Obama is trying to intentionally destroy America as we know it.
6. Promoting opportunities for fun and interaction. Can you believe the Affair of the Heart is only five months away!?! See you at Whitewater!
7. Helping lead change when change is needed, and as long as the change doesn't hurt our powerful friends and allies.
This is our commitment to you, and ourselves. Maniacal laugh. Maniacal laugh.
See, isn't that better? I hope to see it in the paper soon.
