Skip to Content
Everything Else

Courtney Francisco wants to bluntly tell you what’s in a sexually explicit package…

8:00 AM EDT on April 29, 2013

Hey everyone, it's Monday again! Tonight, the Thunder completes the sweep of the Houston Rockets. We should all be giddy in anticipation, but instead it feels like we're all just biding our time until we inevitably lose in the next round. I guess this is like in 2013 After Westbrook. Pretty depressing.

After the jump are some tweets that are not very depressing:

So it's sweeps for the local television affiliates across the country. Based on my intensive research which involved briefly glancing at stories that came across my Twitter feed, I think Channel 4's Courtney Francisco had the best news story of the week. It was about something some guy got in the mail. At the beginning of the story, she warned us that she could not directly say what it was:

Wow! Sounds crazy. I wonder what it was! Fortunately, Courtney Francisco was then able to obliquely describe the object that came in the mail:

Ooooh! A rubber replica of a penis. If that isn't what Courtney Francisco's idea of bluntly describing what that object is, I'm not sure what would be!

It wouldn't be sweeps week without at least one sweet double entendre, so fortunately Courtney Francisco went to confront the people who sent the penis:

And the final part of any good sweeps story is the man-on-the-street interview. News isn't news if we don't get some random guy's opinion, preferably when the man-on-the-street himself has a last name that fits in very well with the story:

Yes, that's right, Channel 4 interviewed Derek Woody about the penis story. That is awesome. I only wish they could have found a way to get Jonathan Boner and Debbie Schlong on camera alongside him. Oh well, maybe next time.

I love sweeps!


Oh good, just when we thought our epidemic of obesity and heart disease that will certainly lead to an entire generation dying way too young could not get any worse, McDonald's is going to start delivering! This is for everyone too lazy to walk the twenty steps to their car and go through the drive-thru, I guess.


rusty mccrainie positive

Let me guess. It was Rusty McCranie? Someone stop this guy before he "compliments" his co-workers again!


Given that Van Halen is a terrible band, and most certainly the most overrated band of all time, this is definitely a pointless idea. *ducks*


This week, I searched Twitter for the words "fuck Patrick Beverley," because Fuck Patrick Beverley.

fuck patrick beverley


Oh... God... Abigail Ogle Is Going To Run This Town Someday, Isn't She

It seems that literally every athlete and remotely famous person in the area is friends with Abigail Ogle. That's a good friend to have, because when some of them inevitably get in trouble with the law, you know you'll be getting some sympathetic news coverage in the future.


Awkward Twitter Conversations With Linda Cavanaugh

At first I was thinking that cancelling an entire cable provider over one station seemed like a bit of an overreaction, but then I saw that penis package story from Courtney Francisco. #standwithKFOR


The Dean Blevins Memorial Weekly Tweet From Dean Blevins

Oh god, you guys, if Deano is going to start commenting on every single random thing someone on the streets says, we are in for a long playoffs.


That's all for this week. Follow me on Twitter here. Good bye!

Stay in touch

Sign up for our free newsletter