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OSBI needs your helping identifying whatever the hell this thing is…

3:11 PM EDT on March 26, 2013

OSBI announced today they need the public's help in identifying a person whose remains were found in eastern Oklahoma in December 2012.

From OSBI:

OSBI Forensic Artist Harvey Pratt just completed a facial reconstruction from remains found in Pittsburg County last year. December 13, 2012, several human bones and a skull were discovered in a wooded area near Quinton on Wagnon Ranch. Sheriff’s deputies and medical examiner’s office personnel recovered the remains. Since then, the medical examiner has determined the remains are that of a white and/or Hispanic male between 40 and 60 years old. The victim is believed to have stood between 5’3” and 5’8” tall. He was right handed and at some point in this life suffered a broken lower left rib. Investigators believe the body was placed in that wooded area between two and five years ago. The medical examiner’s office is unable to determine the cause and manner of death at this time.

Considering the last time OSBI did something like this the result look like an aged California raisin (and Ogle Madness 16-seed), I guess they decided to hedge their bets and issue a disclaimer:

This description does not fit any missing persons in the surrounding area. Pittsburg County Sheriff’s investigators are hopeful the skull reconstruction will help someone recognize the victim. This reconstruction is only meant to resemble the victim – not mimic his appearance. Therefore, if anyone believes the skull reconstruction looks similar to someone who has not been seen in several years, please call the Pittsburg County Sheriff’s Office.

Basically, they need help identifying a dead white or hispanic male,  5' 3" to 5' 8" tall, and between the ages of 40 and 60. And by the way, the reconstruction may not look anything like him. Can the be a little more vague?

Let's see what the artist was able to come up with on the reconstruction:

unidentified dead man quinton
unidentified dead man quiton side

Yeah, I think the only thing that resembles is uncredited audience extra from Celebrity Death Match or a dentist's nightmare. It looks like something Wallace would show Grommit in a Faces of Meth picture book.

If this man resembles someone you know, please stop doing LSD and check into a mental health facility immediately. While you're there, steal me some tranquilizers. I don't think I'm going to be able to sleep for a week.

In all seriousness, hopefully they figure out who this guy is so they can notify his friends and family, because I'm sure they're out there. In the meantime, maybe Robot Chicken could create a sketch where this guy and the California Raisin man solve supernatural mysteries or reenact scenes from Star Wars. I'd watch that.

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