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Tulsa has a new trash system. We’re all going to die.

7:00 AM EST on November 13, 2012

If the Outsiders were still in Tulsa, they would be upset too.

Well readers, it was an interesting weekend indeed. Apart from a gas line rupture and Chad boisterously celebrating my little sister's libational legality while reading questionable content on the internet, I had the pleasure of meeting more Australians in Las Vegas--only this time, the one chatting me up was former rugby player, which I think is twice as cool as being an Australian cowboy or soap opera star! The reason why he didn't ask me to be his girlfriend on the spot is definitely because of the whole long distance thing. On an unrelated note, does anyone know any Australian 20somethings who live in Tulsa? It'd be really cool if you introduced me to them. I'd take a British guy too. But please, spare me your Canadians.

Today I'm here to cover a controversial municipal mandate that recently came about. This change has certifiably sent middle-aged Tulsans all over the county into a catastrophic frenzy. You can't enter a Super Target or a Cheesecake Factory or any other cliche haven in Suburbia without hearing at least one silver fox in a PFG or a soccer mom in Juicy Couture grumble about this new policy. That's right readers--Tulsa has changed the way that the city picks up garbage, and Midtown and South Tulsans are NOT amused.

Around a month or so ago, the city of Tulsa provided every residence with rolling recycling and trash bins, similar to the ones you've seen in Oklahoma City or Norman. Homeowners were then given new instructions on how the new trash pick-up system would work. Some of these were small adjustments (like a new pick-up date) while others were more demanding, like how exactly to prepare an item before it can go in the recycling bin, volume limits, and the absolute, unwavering law that every single piece of garbage MUST be bagged before going into the trash bin. Seems simple enough, right?

Well, not exactly. Virtually overnight, Tulsans were stripped of their unlimited throw-away privileges. Citizens who can't compact their trash enough to fit into the designated bin are now charged a fee. Garbage trucks now only visit homes once a week rather than two. Any large, unconventional, or even just exceptional amounts of trash are now the sole responsibility of the homeowner. Those fancy rubbish bins the city provided us with were merely red herrings to distract us from the real changes occurring. Sure, we'll give you shiny new trash can and make recycling a no-brainer for you--but if you have more waste than we want to pick up, you're screwed pal.

Oh and PS, word on the street is that they're still working out scheduling kinks. So if they don't show up, you're stuck accumulating garbage for another week, and the two weeks of trash won't fit into your new bin--well, you're still shit out of luck.

So, I feel pretty ridiculous writing about this. I live in an apartment where there's a designated refuse closet around every corner. I've never planted an herb garden, I have all of my bills auto-drafted out of my bank account, and don't even have the tools or man-power (waka waka) required to hang pictures up in my apartment or even install a tension rod in my shower. But, as un-domesticated as I am, I can't seem to escape the fury that has overcome my parents, co-workers, and people I stand next to in grocery stores. No one I encounter can seem to stop talk about this gross injustice that has plagued our quiet society. Husbands gnash their teeth when their wives request new furniture, because how the hell are they going to conveniently get rid of the couch they already have? There are rallies and demonstrations being staged outside of Whole Foods and Woodland Hills Mall. People are sneaking trash into other people's bins, WRITING ANGRY FACEBOOK POSTS IN ALL CAPS, and worst of all--even homeowner association presidents are threatening to withhold the garbage man's Christmas tip this year. I know the Tulsa World just published this "poll" claiming that most Tulsans like this new system, but I'm 90% sure that they just surveyed Mayor Bartlett's administration and called it an night.

It's not yet December 21, 2012, but already, Tulsa McMansion neighborhoods have been reduced to utter mayhem.

Follow Chelsea on Twitter at @xCawoodstock

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