Editor's Note: Please welcome Dante Jordan to the obscure local social blogging neighborhood. Dante's a local stand up comedian and YouTube star. He's also Black. That means we have one more Black writer than The Gazette. Go us!
So Patrick The Hat Trick (just made that up) hit the kid up on Twitter and said, and I quote, "You know, it's about time we add a black contributor to The Lost Ogle." And I thought to myself "Yeah...I guess I'm ready to be TLO's Jackie Robinson." Then he hit me with the idea and I thought to myself "Hmmm. Yeah...I guess I'm ready to be TLO's Tyler Perry." And I’m going to type this exactly how I would say it so you can catch the true essence behinds these truths. So here we go.
Let me tell ya... If I had a nickel for every time someone made a joke about Black people, I'd have more than enough nickels to put in a Nike Elite crew sock and slap them across the face. By "someone" I mean Ryan Drake. By “them” I mean Spencer Hicks.
But seriously, for whatever reason people think there is NOTHING to do in Oklahoma, especially for us African-Americans. Probably cause there isn't, or wasn't, until I made this list. You're welcome, humanity. You're welcome.
So here you go, 10 Things For Black People To Do In OKC (in no particular order)
1o. Go To Thunder Games
No surprise there, right? Ever since KD & Company came to town this has been the most exciting activity for EVERYONE. This excludes Lil’ Wayne, who is probably still crying about not getting FREE tickets to a WESTERN CONFERENCE FINALS game.
“So what makes Thunder games a perfect place for Black people?”
Simple. If you wear enough team apparel and bitch about every single call against the Thunder, the old white people sitting next to you will become your best friends by the end of the first half. Trust me on this. My Grandma has met every single person in section 220. Every. Single. Person.
9. Pairadime Music Shows
Guess what people! There happens to be Hip Hop shows in Oklahoma City. Yeah, I know right? Hip Hop...Oklahoma...Toby Keith...Republicans. I'm just as surprised as you are. But this local music company actually brings big time artists here for shows ALL THE TIME. They’ve already brought Juicy J, Kendrick Lamar, and Curren$y to OKC. Plus they’re bring BIG K.R.I.T. on October 4th. “Whoa!” – Joey Lawrence.
Hey! You. Yes, you. The person that just made that “Do people get shot there?” comment. Cause there’s always one of you lames. No one EVER gets hurt at their shows. Everybody just goes extra hard in the paint. I mean, there was this one time a girl may have passed out from excitement when Josh Sallee stepped out on stage, but you can’t really account for things like that. He’s got Big Kid Bars.
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8. Barbershops
Barbershops are a staple in the Black community. Kinda like Staples is for the white community, only not at all. I’ma be honest, barbershops are the best. On any given day (except Monday, because barbers are completely against working that day) you can walk into a Black barbershop and run into a heated group discussion. Whether, it be who's the hottest rapper in the game or why Russell Westbrook should pass the ball, you can count on the barbershop to be the most educational experience. EVERYONE is an expert on EVERYTHING. It’s just like Twitter. NOT TO MENTION, you can pretty much get any movie showing at AMC Theatres at any local barbershop for a cool 5 smackaroonies.
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7. Go To Movies
I'll be the first to tell you, I rarely go to movies anymore. Why? Because bootleg movies are sold at my barbershop. Fuck I wanna go to the theater for? These days going to see a movie in theaters is an extreme financial investment for a college kid. And they keep coming out with everything in 3D? I got student loans bro. I got student loans.
“So then why would I put this on the list?”
I didn’t know this was a game of 21 questions, but whatever. Though the opportunity cost of going to the movies is damn near an entire month’s rent, it also can be one of the funniest places to be. That’s if you go with me. Because I’ma talk alllll throughhh the movie. I’m giving pre-game, in-game, post-game, and weekly coverage of every scene. Every scene? Yes Katt, every scene. I won’t be the only one.
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6. Drive Around Edmond and Scare White People
You'd be surprised how many dirty looks Black people get in Edmond, OK. That was sarcasm. You wouldn't be surprised at all and that's why one of my favorite things to do is let my windows down, turn Hit Em Up by 2Pac up to the maximum volume of 31, and cruise the mean streets of “E-Town” (That’s always been the dumbest nickname to me). And I have long hair? That’s gonna be the longest red light of all time for someone.
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5. Classen Crawl (51st Street Speakeasy, Edna's, Drunken Fry)
If you're in Oklahoma City, then you know the bar scene is kinda ehhh (I'm doing the sideways hand motion that means it's only alright). But it’s perfect to snatch up a couple snowbunnies and milkbabies. If you're tall, black, or any combination of the two, you can definitely pull the "I play basketball overseas" card on unsuspecting white women and they'll bite every time. Like little fish. Swedish fish. And I really don’t like being a liar, but the truth about life is just so much less amusing. Like, be honest with me, how cool would it be if I told them I actually play for the Thunder in real life? They’re not going to be as impressed. So I don’t tell ‘em. I just use my fake British accent and tell them I start at shooting guard for the London National Team. White women love accents.
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4. Remake The Fast & The Furious
Don't act like you haven't noticed the plethora of colorful vehicles in the Oklahoma City area . From the Skittles Mustang, to the Coogi Caprice Classic, to the Cap’N Crunch Caprice, to the Thunder Up Monte Carlo (my personal favorite), you might see any damn thing. But they move in packs like wolves. Straight up candy painted wolfpacks. Especially on Sundays, they ride out. Oh...They ride out. You can definitely see ‘em doin ‘bout a buck-thirty down I-35. Probably headed to Edmond.
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3. Work At Lil' Caesars
Okay, you really don’t want to work at Lil’ Caesars. Trust me. I did when I was younger because it’s right around the corner from my house and it was the worst. But I was nice at my job. I was so cold on them mufuckin pizzas they used to call me Young Pizzas mayne.
But really you know what makes Lil' Caesars on 122nd/Rockwell the place to be? They have great food? Nah. They have heated group discussions? Nah. They have a breakdancing sign holder decked out with a du-rag and a Michael Jackson jacket? YUP! He looks a miniature version of Turbo from Breakin’. Actually, everyone would love this.
If you drive by during the middle of the day, you are GUARANTEED to see Greg hitting spins and nut-grabs like he’s trying to be in a Pepsi commercial. Think about it. And I promise he will be there. I mean, he has been for like the last 4 years.
“Wait…How do you know his name is Greg?”
More questions huh? I went to high school with him alright. And I may or not may have dance battled him during C-Lunch in a circle of people. But I did. That's right. Threw my backpack down and mobbed right up to him as he was poorly attempting to the walk the moon, and said "Battle." Then knocked his Fedora to the floor, and moonwalked allll the way to the Pizza Hut line. I'd say I won that.
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2. Vote For Obama
I meannnnnn…. Liiiiikeee….You get it. You get it.
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1. Stay Black. Always.
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To stay Black with Dante Jordan, follow him on Twitter or check out his YouTube page.
