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Worst of OKC: Tourist Attraction

4:30 AM EDT on August 30, 2012

At least we have enough tourist attractions to complain about now. A mere 20 years ago all we had was that goofy looking space needle at the fair and a couple of Braum's. Now we've got at least five things I can tell my friends they should see when they come visit me. That's right! Five! Suck it NYC! We've got a long way to go, but we're getting there.

Vote on mofos!

Bricktown Canal

The canal area has really flourished over the last couple of years. You can thank the Thunder, and you'd be wrong. I think the success of the canal rests solely on the shoulders of those HILARIOUS riverboat capn's! Those guys are so witty! It's like a tiny, yellow, floating, Branson style comedy show! Just take your friends to the canal, find a place to sit and before long a group of bewildered looking seniors and fat Arkansans, aboard the S.S. Hilarity, will float by and wave as Cap'n Dennis says something HILARIOUS! It's a treat. A real treat.

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Cowboy Hall of Fame National Cowboy and Western Heritage Museum

"Hey Oklahoma friend, I'm wondering if there is a place I can see a giant Reagan statue and a slumped over Indian on a horse. Does OKC have anything close to that?"

The NCandWHM is the type of place to take someone who believes we're all cabin dwelling, horse riding, Indian slaughtering, hillbillies. Well, there and Toby Keith's restaurant. There's some cool things at the museum, but it seems like a walk through a shiny and bright skewed view of history. It's like a physical incarnation of talking to your elderly uncle about "the way things used to be."

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Frontier City

When my parents moved us here from California, they told us of Frontier City. We used to go to Disneyland at least three times a year. I guess they felt Frontier City would have been a fine replacement. That's like saying Wynona is a fine replacement for Ashley Judd. During my visits there, I discovered Frontier City is home to boring roller coasters and a log ride tunnel where teen could neck. Well, at least teens who weren't me.

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Unfinished American Indian Cultural Center

Not sure how this has gone horribly wrong. If history has taught us anything, it's that dealings between Native American tribes and government entities always go smoothly. Construction on the facility has stalled because of a lack of funding. Uhm, has anyone thought of making it a casino? That would raise some money. Plus, Lucky Star Downtown Casino has a nice ring to it.

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Wayne Coyne's House

Before I get started, let's go ahead and preface this by saying what follows about Wayne's house is not to reflect anyone's thoughts on his personal life or talent. This will hopefully assuage the Wayneiacs from cluttering up the comment section with diatribes on how great he is or how he shouldn't be picked on or defending him from things no one said. This isn't that. This isn't anything other than a remark on his home. Plain and simple. Nothing negative at all. Nothing. At all. Here goes.

Wayne has an awesome house located near the Plaza District. He jogs through the area quite a bit as an ex-girlfriend of mine pointed out. She sat on her porch each day waiting for Wayne to jog by so I guess she could porch seduce him. That never happened. As far as I know. It was the best part of her day. Well, that and whenever I left her house. Those two things made her so happy. Lesson learned? Jogging Wayne is way cooler than I'll ever be.

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