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2012 Worst of OKC: Weatherperson

4:00 AM EDT on August 15, 2012

It's a daunting task to be a weatherperson in OKC. It's like an open mic comic trying to open for Chris Rock. Sure, you could do it, but people won't remember you and you're never gonna be as good. Ever. Sorry everyone who isn't Gary England.

So cast your vote for the worst weatherperson, but do so knowing that the people who have an extensive knowledge of doppler radar are also masters of the dark arts. Don't be surprised if whoever wins is standing on your lawn heaving trucks through your living room just to blame it on a tornado. A tornado of pain! Or tornado of Payne but that only works if you're David Payne. And you aren't.

Anyone on FOX 25

If being a weatherman consisted of standing in front of a green screen and mumbling incoherently then FOX 25 would have the weather game locked down. I've seen better weather reports from my uncle with the bum knee. "Yep. Storm's a comin'." Thanks drunk uncle Fernando and your aluminum knee for that information. At least drunk uncle Fernando is accurate and doesn't make me want to punch my TV. And he can read.

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Jed Castles

Anyone who refers to himself as the "Minister of Meterology" has it coming. He once hit on a friend of mine at a bar with this gem, "You might recognize me. I'm on TV." If that line works on a woman, and you're Jed, there's probably an 80% chance that someone gets sick. Also, he is Potsie to Gary England's Fonze. He's Chris Kirkpatrick to Gary's Timberlake. He's Screech to Gary's Zack. That's all the references I know.

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Damon Lane

Damon Lane looks like the kind of guy who uses the word "brah" at every possible opportunity. "Can I get a beer, brah?" "Can I dance with your girlfriend, brah?" "Can I bang your lady, brah?" On his old KOCO bio he explains he loves mountains, extreme weather and doesn't like New Kids on the Block. That's pretty much all you need to know about the guy. Mountains, crazy weather and a dislike of old boy bands. Brah.

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Mike Morgan

I've met Mike a few times and he's really a nice guy. He seems like he honestly enjoys his job. My only hang up with Mike is that damn bedazzled weather tie. Sure, it's a fun thing, but when the situation gets serious and he's warning people that their lives are in danger, it's just hard to take him seriously. It's a fine tie for Kenny — the overweight seasonal shift manager at Hickory Farms who gets paid in smoked gouda — but not the guy who excitedly tells us all we're going to die.

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David Payne

David is funny and really nice. At least that's what I was told to say. You can tell he gets annoyed sometimes. Probably because he'll never be Mike Morgan. Or Gary England. He will probably be the new Rick Mitchell though, so that's something he can be happy about. He really is gonna miss that laughing guy when he leaves KFOR. He's also gonna piss off Emily Sutton. Sure, his leaving means more seeing Emily but it means more early morning shifts for Emily. Unless they get that super skinny guy to do it. What's his name? Yeah. I don't know either.

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