Greetings from Las Vegas. That's right, Patrick guilt tripped me away from the Texas Hold 'em tables and demanded that I write a post for today. Actually, that's not true. I'm here on a business trip, and after two awesome days of debauchery, I'm spending the rest of this week doing grown up things like wearing a business suit, talking to old people, and going to bed at 8:00 Vegas time.
I know, it's really sad and depressing that my job requires me to spend about six full weeks out of the year in Sin City. I probably spend more time in the Venetian than you do at church, your lake cabin, and your in-law's house combined. This pretty much makes me an expert on all things exorbitant, thus very qualified to give the casinos in Oklahoma a few tips on how to be even more successful. Check them out after the jump.
1. Make your casino look exactly like other Oklahoma landmarks. I'm always astounded by the number of Europeans I meet when I'm in Vegas. It seems like everywhere I turn, someone's griping about the oversized portions, stuffing hair products into their backpack, wearing hotpants, scratching their sideburns, or rocking an Abercrombie t-shirt (because apparently that brand is still cool there). What I don't understand is, why would you want to stay at the Paris Hotel or even Caesar's Palace when the real Colosseum and Eiffel Tower are practically in your own backyard?
In the spirit of the success of places like the Monte Carlo Hotel and New York New York, I propose that Oklahoma casinos construct life-sized replicas of the Golden Driller and Catoosa's giant blue whale outside of their facilities. It'll certainly draw people in and make them feel at home, trust me.
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2. Smell a little bit fresher. One day back in high school when I ran cross-country, I realized I really needed to use the restroom right as I was jogging past that bingo place on Riverside. Unfortunately, some Barney Fifian security guard stationed in the doorway wouldn't let me use the facilities, and instead of quietly leaving and ducking behind his patrol car to relieve myself, I stood around and argued with the little prick for a few minutes. By the time I left the casino, I smelled only slightly better than I did last week when I left the traumatic after-hours rager known as Legs and Eggs.
I don't know how they do it, but all the awesome fancy casinos in Vegas are cluttered with cigar smokers, but manage to smell fresher than a brand new Speed Stick. It's kind of difficult to make prudent decisions at the blackjack table when your eyes are watering from rogue fumes. Oklahoma casinos certainly have their own charm to them, but pumping up the clean oxygen levels can only mean good things, right?
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3. Recruit the Thunder From Down Under. I know we discussed this last week and all, but for any of you following this riveting story, my second visit to see the scantily-clad Aussies was once again a success. In fact, I'm pretty sure this one dancer I met wants me to be his girlfriend. I know this because he invited me to his house to meet his puppy and help him decide where in his bedroom he should hang a picture that he just bought. Isn't that just precious, he already wants me to help him decorate his house! We'd totally be Facebook official right now if it weren't for the pesky complications of a long distance relationship. Hard Rock Casino Catoosa, help your girl out.
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4. Litter the parking lot with flyers for strippers, escorts and massage therapists. Some guy out there would appreciate it.
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5. Disregard the market equilibrium price of all consumable goods. A few years ago when I interned at Goldman Sachs, my intern friends and I decided to visit Vegas for a weekend and live the life of a high roller that we all (at that point) thought we were destined to become. It was my workplace Instant Messenger buddy's birthday, so I decided to buy us both a shot and a beer to show him how much I appreciated our friendship. Well, two Rumples, two Coors light, and $50 dollars later, he damn well knew what a great friend I was.
From what I've seen, the beverages and buffets at casinos in Oklahoma are pretty much fairly priced. This is a big mistake, as they are missing out on the huge premiums they could be charging. I mean, if Vegas can get away with charging $13 for a bag of chips and $8 for a water bottle, there's no reason why their Oklahoman counterparts can't do the same.
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6. Have celebrity impersonators readily available for photo opts. I took a picture with Alan from The Hangover yesterday, and a very intoxicated Mickey Mouse the day before! Zombie Sally Kerns, three teenage boys with long blonde locks, or the real Wayne Coyne would all make awesome souvenir Instagram snapshots.
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7. Bump up the dress code. Something about the dry desert air, the flashing lights, and the cheerful buzz of a penny slot champion drives everyone within a two-mile radius of Las Vegas Boulevard to dress in an absolutely ridiculous fashion. Even grandmas and grandpas are comfortable rocking a little cleavage out here! There's more men in capris per any given 20 ft radius than in all of the Habanna Inn combined (oh wait, they're all just European). The amount of sequins and feathers left on the ground of Tao after a busy night is enough to work any Hobby Lobby enthusiast into a dangerous frenzy. On Friday, I befriended a rollicking band of bachelorettes who all donned matching bow ties, black booty shorts, knee-high socks, and pigtails.
It'd be kind of amusing to see more people in our homeland dressing up like Capital dwellers of Panem. It'd certainly beat the who cut-off shirt/jorts/trucker hat get-up they're known to sport.
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8. Free Booze. I know the laws here may prevent it, but this makes too much sense.
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Well, that's really all I have to say on the awesomeness of Las Vegas for today. Follow me on Twitter at @xCawoodstock, or find me on PayPal if you want me to place any bets on the roulette for you while I'm here.
