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The Chick-fil-A 5K is in Owasso this weekend

3:00 AM EDT on July 31, 2012

It's been over a week since Chick-fil-gate broke. Thanks to Facebook and Twitter, we're aware that everyone we know has an opinion on the matter. Backlash against the company has gone viral faster than NBC's tape delay or Kristen Stewart's latest romance. Chefs at McDonald's, Popeye's, and Taco Bell are all working around the clock to manufacture a spicy chicken sandwich to introduce to the public before this firestorm dies down. And in the midst of all of this, a church in Owasso is hosting a Chick-fil-A 5k this weekend:

Chick-Fil-A and First Christian Church of Owasso have teamed up to host the 3rd Annual Mission 5K on Saturday August 4th, starting at 8 a.m. The race will be held at First Christian Church-Stone Canyon Campus (Stone Canyon Elementary). There will be 5K and a 1-Mile Fun Run.

This is the 3rd race of the year. The first race was in Chang Mai, Thailand. The second was in Tegucigalpa, Honduras. Regardless of where you live, the goal of Mission 5K is to run together as the "Body of Christ" to raise awareness for missionaries.

Chick-Fil-A is also offering group prizes for fastest group and largest group. Many people have chosen to gather a group from work, small group, church or neighborhood to join the cause. When you register, there is a field that says "If you are on a team, enter team name".

I'm sure the church shares the same extreme fundamentalist views on homosexual marriage as the owner's of Chick-fil-A, and I know this event has been planned for a while, but will the church please quickly find a new sponsor? This is sure to generate negative publicity and media attention for our city. I can already see clips on World News Tonight, CNN and The Daily Show of homophobe Tulsan's running in the race and proclaiming their support for Chick-fil-a sandwiches, the sanctity of marriage and bulging waste lines.

Then again, maybe the race will bring out those who oppose Chick-fil-A's draconian stance on gay marriage. They could possible off-set the embarrassing voices of the people on the right. If you're one of those people, here are some fun things to do to get attention:

1. Glitter-bomb the cow mascot. I'm typically not an advocate of disturbing other people, but in this case, you'd totally be doing this probable teen or immigrant worker a favor.  Those mascot costumes look insanely uncomfortable. Not only do you have probably twenty to thirty pounds of wire and plush you've got to lug around, but then you either have to stop every thirty seconds to take a picture with a crying child, or dance around a busy intersection. By showering the cow with fine glitter specks, not only will you be making a bold political statement, but you'll also relieve the poor guy under the suit of his duties for the day. Win-win.

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2. Run, prance or frantically walk in style. Maybe a pink leotard, a sequined sweatband, and Rainbow Brite-esque leg warmers. Man-capri pants and headpiece straight from Johnny Weir's collection would do the trick too. It would also be pretty fun to roller skate around the refreshment tent. Nothing quite makes an intolerant prude as uncomfortable as a flamboyant outfit that could possibly signify the presence of a gay man. Not that there's anything wrong with that. (Yep, I was nine when Jerry and the gang went to prison but I know what's up). 

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3. Volunteer at a water stand but deny refreshments to all gingers. I don't know a lot about red hair, but someone told me that gingers smell like copper and do sick things like wear sunscreen in March. At TLO gatherings, I feel uncomfortable when forced to share appetizers or even make small talk with Spencer and Clark Matthews. In fact, it kind of feels like those damn gingers are rubbing their freckled noses into everything that I once held sacred! I don't have red hair and there is no possible way that any traces of auburn exists in my half Chinese, half ambiguous white heritage. Therefore, gingers don't deserve basic comforts like Gatorade or even a friendly high-five when running a three-mile race in 105 degree weather. While we're at it, they probably don't deserve that free t-shirt and coozie either.

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4. Hold up signs that say "God Loves the Fabulous" or something like that. If Jesus borrowed Steve Jobs' iPhone, I'm pretty sure his second order of business (after seeing what all the fuss over Angry Birds is about) would be to iMessage a number of self-righteous people and tell them to stop putting words in his mouth.

According to the New York Times best-selling Bible, Jesus never talked about gay people. It's kind of like how when I go to social gatherings, I don't bring up what kind of toothpaste I prefer or what I ate for breakfast. Jesus probably never mentioned homosexuality because when it comes to the grand scheme of humanity, the gender of who a person loves really shouldn't be a big deal. Jesus hung out with the Aubrey McClendons and Bibi Joneses of the era, and those types were actually involved in questionable activities. There's no reason to believe that Jesus wouldn't be down with adding a few Elton Johns to his entourage as well.

Sure, the book of Leviticus mentions smiting men who lay with other men (I guess lesbians must have been safe), but it also condemns growing different kinds of crop in the same field, cutting your hair and shaving, and wearing two types of fabric at once. I don't see that many Amish people vocalizing their opinions via the internet, so unless a person against gay rights has sworn off of Farmville and polyblends and is rocking a sweet floor-length beard, this "argument" is null and void.

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5. Hoard the free Chick'n. Not going to lie, giving up my weekly Spicy Chick'n Sandwich has been pretty rough. But I'm way too much of a devoted fruit fly to not participate in the boycott. Gay guys are the most cheerful people in the world! After all the unabashed compliments they've fed me, costume parties they've invited me to, and trade secrets they've shared with me, I've got to have the community's back. By pilfering platters of nuggets, you can take the Robin Hood approach and steal from bad guys in the name of the greater good. Free nuggets free from guilt. Yet another win-win.

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6. Don't participate in the 5k, but concern yourself with the regulations. Clydesdale runners should not be their own category. And, there's no reason to divide winners up by age group either. Actually, the race would be so much better if it were a 10k instead of just a 5k. Runners should also be required to wear Nike shorts and white singlets only, because that's what I used to wear when I raced. I know that I haven't raced 5k since my cross-country days back in high school and there's no possible way that I'm going to drive 20 minutes to Owasso for an event who's outcome will have no effect on my personal life, but these are the rules that I've come up with and they're really important to me.

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7. Congratulate all fellow racers in your category with a friendly butt swat.
Just make sure you follow the slap with a wink and a "My Pleasure." That will put the homophobes in place.

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Follow Chelsea on Twitter at @xCawoodstock

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