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Top 10 TLO post ideas about fireworks!

6:15 AM EDT on July 3, 2012

Happy 4th of July Eve, friends. The 4th is one of my favorite holidays. As a minor league pyromaniac, I love any excuse to play with fire, let alone when the government gives me carte blanche.

As I sat at my desk, singeing the hairs off my arm, I tried to think of creative posts to write about for this week. When I asked Patrick for some help, he said, "Here is $700 from the TLO petty cash account. Let's go buy some fireworks and come up with some ideas."

After coming up with far too many post ideas, I decided that a post about our best post ideas about fireworks would be fun! That would be so F'ing meta. I should note that we bought $5 worth of sparklers and spent the rest on LSD and psychedelic mushrooms. Happy birthday America!

1) Top 15 Oklahoma celebrity last names that could pass for brands of Roman Candles.

"Yeah, give me the two Patriot Packs of Chenoweths, a dozen Harden Beard Burners... and my five year-old daughter wants a pack of the Toby Keith Sparklers."

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2) 35 ways to fit in as a hillybilly redneck at a fireworks stand.

Off the top of my head, I can think of 57. I don't want to even begin the process of elimination.

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3) 10 safety precautions concerning meth labs and fireworks.

I don't want this information getting out. There is nothing more American than watching the fireworks caused by a bathtub meth lab explosion.

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4) Seven types of Oklahoma animals that Mary Fallin has blown-up with fireworks.

I couldn't find any hard evidence of her having killed animals with fireworks, but I have a hunch that it's out there. A cat in my neighborhood was walking really weird the other day.

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5) Ten reasons women and minorities can't afford to buy as many fireworks as white men.

I tried to have Sally Kern write this, since she's the expert on why women and minorities are so damned lazy. She didn't return my emails. I'll let it slide since she's a woman, and is probably just lazy.

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6) Six fireworks that prove you hate God's America.

This could be a good one, because if you enjoy "snakes" or smokebombs, you should probably just go back to Communist China, where those fireworks came from.

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7) 11 reasons why performing oral sex on a ginger proves you're a patriot. 

And who doesn't want to be a patriot?

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8) Top ten uses of M-80's in assisted living centers.

My grandfather fought in WWII. A small explosive in his bedpan makes a patriotic ringing noise in your ears. I like to think of that ringing as freedom.

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9) Five excuses to NOT celebrate the 4th of July.

So July 4th, 1776 is just the date the Continental Congress approved the Declaration of Independence. It wasn't signed until August 2nd. Then it was sent to those British assholes August 4th. Not to sound unpatriotic, but declaring something doesn't make it so. I think we had to fight a war or something to truly gain our independence. Isn't that what the Civil War was all about?

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10) Seven places The Pioneer Woman can stick her July 4th recipes.

How can you talk about food on the most badass holiday of the year? Well, I guess you actually can, but I'm still too distracted by this patriotic picture:

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There you have it. Those were the post ideas Patrick and I came up with. If you have some other 4th of July posts that I failed to mention, please let me know in the comments. If you are on Twitter please follow me here.

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