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If you ever wanted to make weird soaps, here’s your chance…

5:30 AM EDT on June 28, 2012

Yesterday, I was surfing NewsOK.com in search of something to write about for this morning. At first, I considered breaking down this breezy Q&A with the new Chairman of Chesapeake (and the couch they used for it) or this weird column by Don "Mr Know It" Gammill (which may prove the old newshound's finally lost it), but I settled on this gem instead:

Soapmaking class set

Oklahomans who would like to learn to use herbs, flowers and essential oils to make their own signature soaps are invited to a “If you  Soap Making Workshop” offered at the Oklahoma County Cooperative Extension office from 9:30 a.m. until noon July 2.

Participants will learn to mix the soap ingredients, then choose add-ins to make one-of-a-kind soaps and scrubs. After completing the workshop, participants will take home a pound of soap and their own molds.

The workshop will be at the Cooperative Extension Center auditorium, 930 N Portland. Preregistration cost is $25.

For more information, call 713-1125 or go to oces.okstate.edu/oklahoma.

Yep, you've read that right, you can now enroll in a soapmaking class. If that's not the saddest thing you can do in life, I'm not sure know what is. Well, outside of trying to learn how to play the guitar after you've turned 40. That's pretty sad, too.

If you do enroll in this class, I have a couple of tips for you. One of them is to be sure and sign up for the Laughing Rabbit Suicide Support Group that meets immediately following the soapmaking workshop in Room 3B outside the auditorium. You'll probably need it. The other is to scare all the lonely retired hippies in the class and threaten to cut your soap with a knife like the guy did in those old Irish Spring commercials. The hippies will accuse you of reckless violence, but who cares, they're hippies.

Anyway, this whole thing got me thinking about what types of soaps Oklahoma celebrities would make if they took this class. The best one I could come up with was "Toby Keith's "I Love This Bar of Soap." I imagine it would be scented with bits of sausage gravy and tobacco juice. Bass Pro wouldn't be able to keep it in stock.

Here are a some other ones:

Carrie Underwood's Oil of O'Soap. Since she's the spokesperson for Olay, this makes too much sense. I imagine it would smell like perfume and cotton candy.

Mike Morgan's Red Velvet Glitter Soap. Made out of hail, downed-powerlines and pine bark, this soap would instantly take you back to a humid Oklahoma spring afternoon.

Regular Jim Traber's Baseball Mitt Creme. This magical soap would help you clean, restore or break-in any type of baseball glove, including catchers mitts. It would be composed of shaving creme, Iron City Brew and a Jimmy's Egg on Your Face. You would then wrap the soap in a cheesecloth for packaging.

Bobo's Fried Soap. This soap would be contain a dash of sweet honey butter and then be deep-fried to perfection. The only catch is that you can only sell it after midnight on NE 10th and Scaryville Ln.

Joyce Gilchrist DNA Cleanser: This soap would be the disgraced former OKCPD Forensic Chemists' way of "making up" for all the innocent people she helped wrongfully convict over the year. Criminals would love it.

Anyway, if you have any soap recipes you'd like to share, leave them in the comments. The best one gets the bar of Clark Matthews' Homemade Vanilla Bean Lather he gave me last Christmas.

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