Well, it was bound to happen.
Yesterday, we confirmed through the Ogle Mole Network that KFOR news goddess Joleen Chaney is indeed in a relationship. And no, it's not with Nick Collison. She's in a relationship with some guy named Steve or Todd or Eric or some other really white name.
Here's a picture that Joleen posted from her Facebook page:
(Warning: This picture is very graphic and depressing. Viewer discretion is strongly advised.)
I don't know about you, but I just died a little bit. I feel like some little boy who just learned all at once that Santa Claus is a dead, the Easter Bunny's a myth and that he was adopted by Jim Traber, only about 1,000 times worse.
Seriously, look at that handsome fucker. He looks like he fell out of a Macy's catalog. I bet he sells pharmaceuticals and owns a boat. He probably pees sitting down with his eyes closed, too, but totally gets away with it because he's so damn ravishing.
Actually, I take that last comment back. I'm going to be nice to Steve or Todd or Eric. He's in a relationship with Joleen Chaney! If anything, I should be reading his books and carrying his clubs on the golf course. Plus, he serves as an inspiration to all those upper-middle class single white guys who stay in shape and probably own a boat by letting them know that someday they can score a babe like Joleen Chaney, too. Who wants to ruin something nice like that?
Anyway, this is sad news and everything, but I'll deal with it. At least until Emily Sutton gets involved with someone. Then all bets are off.
Also, someone better check on Nat Eastham immediately and see if he's okay. Let's hope he's not writing songs with letters that he cut out of magazines. Seriously, how's this going to affect his music? Is he going to lock himself in a cabin and get all Bon Iver and Elliot Smith on everyone, or is he going to get angry and loud like Rage Against the Machine. I'd prefer a mix of both.
p.s. - We will offer a $3 bounty to any Ogle Moles that can provide useful information about this guy. You know, like a silly Facebook post or a picture of him smoking crack or blowing an elephant or something.
