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Eight other books Sally Kern should write…

10:35 AM EDT on July 7, 2011

On July 5th, Sally Kern's self-published book "The Stoning of Sally Kern" was officially put on sale to the masses. The book, of course, deals with the public scrutiny Kern experienced when she announced to the world that she is a homophobic wacko.

Here's the official description of the book via Amazon:

This book is about Sally Kern, District 84 House of Representatives member from Oklahoma, and her desire to see America return to the conservative principles that guided the nation’s founders. In January 2008, the pastor’s wife and former high school teacher gave a speech to a Republican club in Oklahoma City explaining that the founding fathers believed Christian principles would lead to a civilized society, individual self-government, good citizens, the elevation of learning, and a cohesive value system. While explaining the fifth benefit, a cohesive value system, she told of a group of wealthy homosexual activists who threatened the nation’s moral fabric by attempting to unseat seventy conservative politicians who opposed their agenda. Clips from the speech later were posted on YouTube, generating more than 2 million hits and leading to what she describes as a media “stoning.” That didn’t stop her from winning re-election or from continuing her calls for America to return to the conservative principles that made it great. In this book she warns that there is danger ahead if social conservatives don’t preserve the nation’s foundations of morality, truth, and tolerance. She issues a cry for conservatives to stand for their freedom now before they no longer have the right to do so.

Yeah, notice how the description fails to mention why she received her "stoning?" It wasn't because she warned a bunch of frightened conservatives about the threat of "wealthy homosexual activists." That's a normal right-wing Oklahoma wacko thing to do. What got everyone all riled up was that she compared homosexuals to terrorists who kill and murder people.  Big difference.

Anyway, because I'm a semi-intelligent human being who doesn't like to pollute my mind with self-righteous manifestos written by right-wing homophobic racist bigots, I didn't read Sally Kern's book. And I don't plan on reading it either. If I wanted to do something that would make me sigh loudly, sarcastically laugh to myself, and then throw up in my mouth, I'd just watch this YouTube video over and over.  That would do the trick.

So instead of reading Sally Kern's book, we decided to come up with a list of eight other books she could/should probably write. We probably wouldn't read them either, but hey, some of them are good ideas:

1. How to Raise a Celibate Non-Gay Son

Remember, Sally Kern has a 30-something year old who is a single, celibate musician and moved away from home to practice metaphysics. Also, remember that he is not gay...at all. Nope, he's just your average celibate music teacher who moved away from home.

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2. The Stoning of a Christian Bigot

I always thought Christianity was supposed to be about love and forgiveness and all that stuff. Since Sally Kern likes to use her husband's occupation as a church minster to give credibility to her words of hate, she should write this book.

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3. The Catcher in the Rye...and Lots of Other Books that I Feel Should Be Banned in Public Libraries.

Sally Kern is probably all for free speech and against censorship...as long as it confirms to her narrow-minded religious based view of the world. I imagine the list of books that she'd like to see banned is long and extensive. She'd probably have fun writing it.

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4. From the Toilets of Trosper Park to the Clubs of 39th Street: How to Catch a Gay in Oklahoma City

Since Sally thinks homosexuals are a bigger threat to our country than terrorists, I'm sure she's come up with a way to capture and convert them.

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5. How to Raise an Army of Evil Flying Monkeys

Since the Wicked Witch of the East and West are both dead, Sally Kern is probably one of the few people alive who knows how to raise an entire army of evil flying monkeys. Let's just hope this book doesn't get in the wrong hands.

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6. Why a Person Named Jamal, Tyrone or Lateisha couldn't write this

Remember, Sally Kern thinks that black people and minorities are lazy and that's why we no longer need affirmative action programs. Maybe she could better explain and support her thesis in a book.

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7. Out of Context: Living in a Sound Bite Society

Just like Sarah Palin, Sally Kern likes to blame the "Lame Stream" media for taking her ridiculous statements out of context. After she does that, she'll then take out-of-context and/or misquoted statements from "founding fathers" or historical figures to help support her archaic theological political views. You know, like how she used out of context statements from Martin Luther King to support her anti-affirmative action views.

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8. Tuesday's with Randy

Apparently, Sally Kern sets next to fellow nutjob Randy Terrill in the state house. Who knows what they talk about, but I'm sure it would make an amazing book. If you like racism, that is.

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Anyway, those are just a few ideas. I doubt she'll really consider any of them, but I do think she'll eventually write a second book. I doubt I'll read it when it comes out either...unless it has to do with an evil monkey army. Who wouldn't read that.

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